A Moment of Quiet Reflection
by Mmedubarry
Summary: Jessica had a moment of quiet reflection just before she broke the news of her resignation from PSL. Harvey too now needed the same pause when he began dissecting the aftermath of her decision. Each chapter will be a character's take on the new reality that they now find themselves in. #POV #Jarvey
1. Chapter 1

[ **A/N:** After the end of 610, I can't help but muse how rushed and simple the wrap up of our beloved character of Jessica Pearson. I know there is only so much time the writers had in the last few episodes to give Jessica the send off she deserved-at the top of her game, showing us one more time her class, fortitude and goodness-but I was disappointed of how the writers built this beautifully quiet and deep bonded backstory between Jessica and Harvey over the years and then just simply gave them a shared toast with the other characters. There was so much potential for one hell of a scene and all we got was that Harvey was going to be 'ok'? The character of Jessica is a queen and a wonderful example to us career gals. Jessica got a chance to chase her bliss after going up against titans in her day in and day out, and the happily ever factor is nice but somehow I'm left saddened that Harvey was not somehow a part of the send-off. Nonetheless, I shall miss Gina Torres and the life she gave Jessica Pearson.

Now, off to story I tried a different technique with this Jarvey story. Not sure how I feel about it as It's written from the character's perspective and takes place the next day, right after what we saw in 610. Depending how this is received, I may continue…you guys let me know how you feel about it. I tried to take us on the ride of the emotions that the characters may feel in the aftermath and dig a little deeper than what we get to see on screen. It's like they are telling us the story. We start with Harvey. Disclaimers: I own nothing. All belongs to the USA network and rightful owners. XO]

 **A Moment of Quiet Reflection**

 **Harvey Spector**

 _It was all I could manage at that moment. It was all I could compute at that second._

 _'_ _She was my mentor.'_

 _That's it._

 _That was all I could get out at that moment with Donna._

"What do you mean 'that's it', Harvey?" Dr. Agard posed with a furrowed brow, like I confused her with the simplicity of the statement. I didn't realize my grammatical prose was up for debate.

 _I mean she was so much more to me that just a mentor. But I couldn't say it out loud. Not in front of Donna._

"Do you think you were protecting Donna from elaborating…or yourself?"

 _You tell me._

"Harvey, I've noticed a pattern with you whenever we come to the topic of Jessica. Almost every time I bring her up, or whenever we start to dig a little deeper, you divert. It's like you scrape the surface and then just sift it to the side. I once commented that Jessica sounded like a hell of a woman and you said, _'why does it matter?'_ Why is it so difficult for you to open up about her?"

 _Because she's off limits in here._

"Ok fine, why don't you tell me what happened between when Jessica broke the news of her resignation and when Donna came into your office?"

 _Why does that matter?_

"Because it does. And if you're not going to open up on an emotional level than I at least need the facts to help you."

I let go of a breath I didn't realize I was holding and then started, _We finished our drinks, the four of us- Jessica, Louis, Donna and me. And then Jessica had a moment with Louis on her sofa. Not sure what she said to him exactly but Louis headed off for the evening. He was a mess at first but he seemed better after they talked privately. He and Jessica had a very tumultuously endearing, but very special, relationship. He worships her and she always had some sort of soft spot for him, most of the time…anyway_ … _I offered to walk Jessica out to the elevators, you know… one last time. I mean, she would still be back for hand off next week but, I don't know, I just had this gnawing feeling like she would be gone after this night, really gone. And the last time she would walk out of that office would be with me, no matter what. Donna had returned to her desk to pack up for the evening. We were all so tired and wrung out by the end of the day. So much had happened in that one day, that week, hell the last few months._

My voice clogged my throat by the end of my last statement. I needed water to get this next part out. I was desperate for some perspective because I couldn't get my head straight in the last 24 hours.

I knew Dr. Agard could help me figure this mess out because my gut was giving me every indication that something was wrong.

Something just wasn't sitting right with what I felt and what happened just the night before with Jessica.

I just couldn't get a grip.

I could feel the burn of the tears building behind my eyes. It was all starting to bubble like scalding water on a high heat. That moment with Jessica at the elevators was…

"What is it Harvey?"

 _The…uh… way she looked at me. We had a moment._

"Did you and Jessica ever have a sexual relationship over the years?"

 _What?_

"It's a fair question Harvey."

 _No, never._

"Did you ever want to?"

At this very moment I wanted to shake Dr. Agard. How could she reduce my relationship with Jessica to something cheap and common like an office affair? It was so demeaning and so unfair to our years together. I was so disgusted; I couldn't even look Dr. Agard in the eye. All I could manage was a repetitive shake of my head at her crassness.

That was enough.

End.

Of.

Conversation.

"Ok Harvey, have it your way. We have a few more minutes in the session. Let's just have some quiet reflection time and just sit here while you compartmentalize last night's events and we'll just do this all over again in a week. I mean its not like we haven't already established letting something out decreases the chances of it having power over you, your thoughts, actions and your mental state."

Dr. Agard checked her watch and lowered her eyes to the floor as she crossed her arms to her chest. I saw her shift her position in her chair, something she often did with me to disarm me, a negotiation tactic, clear as day. She would disengage with me long enough to let me stir in my own shit until I was so irritated enough that I would spill, an unspoken challenge.

I knew the tactic; I'd used it a million times before with clients.

But I was so tired…so goddamn tired after the last few months. I was at my breaking point. Too much was changing and way too quickly.

My one constant…and she was leaving me.

I felt like I had no more time, like some imaginary clock was ticking, which was just ridiculous. It's not like Jessica was dying, or leaving New York for that matter... Jessica would still be around and I knew we would always be in one another's lives but in what capacity? I just knew deep down that things would never be the same. It was some scary shit to think about where I go from here?

How do I just lock up all the years of friendship… mentorship… quiet comforts… laughs… comradery… competition… moments… memories… and just say goodbye?

I owed her so much more than just…whatever last night was.

I needed this off my chest, this secret I've been carrying for years.

Its weight was becoming stifling.

It was like I couldn't breathe.

I was sure I was about to have a panic attack.

I'd felt that constricting feeling many times before over the years, but it's only recently that the attacks started winning the battle against my mind and body.

There was a time I would just go to see Jessica and she always knew what to do, what to say to ease me, all the way down to my core. She wouldn't even know I was on the brink. Her affects were that quick. You see, Jessica has this way about her- this graceful ability to take whatever afflicts give clarity, perspective and calm.

Sometimes it was simply enough just to see her face and my anxiety would ease itself. Its like… the beauty of her insides manifested physically and showed the world indirectly what was running through her. And god help you if she looked at you…really looked at you. She had this way of seeing right into your goddamn soul. But not everyone could see her this way. Most saw Jessica as a shining beacon of power, influence and unimaginable strength that without having to lay hands on someone, she could snap them in to place or in half. Most described her as cold, unfeeling, strategic and self-serving. But she was nothing of the sort, when it really mattered, she would throw herself in the fire and run through it with you or even a few steps ahead of you if the blaze was big enough, just to protect you. Now mind you, she had to find you worthy enough, but if she did, you knew somehow, someway, you would be okay if she was with you.

And If I couldn't say all this out loud to Jessica, then at least Dr. Agard was the safest haven I had at this moment.

 _She's…she's leaving._

 _She won't be down the hall from me anymore._

 _She won't be in my corner anymore._

 _She won't be there anymore. When I think about everything I ever did, or said, or didn't say…I did so much to her over the years, some things I could say even unforgiveable. I broke her too many goddamn times, and I'm pretty sure its one of the reason she is leaving. She can't do it anymore because of my actions and my decisions. Because of Mike, because of the demise of our firm, because of all the other stupid, impulsive, immature and selfish things I've done. It's because of me. And this guilt is killing me because I…_

"Harvey?"

…just fucking say it…own up, man up...C'mon Harvey…

 _…_ _Because, I love her goddamn it! I'm in love with Jessica._

I looked to and I could see the spark of realization. All the pieces of the jigsaw I gave Dr. Agard over the last year started to come together, unifying the landscape of all my issues, piece by piece.

 _I've loved other women over the years…in different ways...all with the hope of moving forward or moving on. But I've loved Jessica the longest and probably, if I'm being truthful, the most genuinely. But the secret…its just…I don't even know what's real anymore. I've loved her enough to give up everything…for her. Her happiness. I'd sacrifice everything for her, my career, my possessions, all of it… for her. I would follow her blindly into the night, because she's always been my light. I've loved her so long that even when I betrayed her it was symptomatic of the love I felt because my hurt and frustration ran so goddamn deep. I reacted from a place uncontrollable indignation and betrayal. I just wish that I knew then, what I know now, when I hired Mike and put her and what could have been in jeopardy. I don't regret Mike, which is what makes all of this so complicated. He's my family, my brother. But I can't help but give pause to it now…in the end…of the final consequence to Jessica. I would have taken the bullet for her for all of it if Mike didn't make the decision to cut the deal. But I destroyed her…_

I couldn't help but take a moment to collect my thoughts. I felt like I was rambling, too many loose ends all tying together.

 _What I feel for Jessica I believe is the biggest reason why I can't fully give myself to another woman. It's because I belong to Jessica without her even knowing. I mean, how can you give yourself to someone when all you can do is compare them to the only woman who really held your heart?_

 _It's doomed from the start._

I looked to Dr. Agard when the next part came out. I knew how shallow my voice was at this point, I was on the verge of breakdown. The burn was uncontrollable.

 _I know you've diagnosed that it's because of my issues with my mother and family that I can't seem to commit to a healthy and loving relationship- that its part of the roots of my anxiety and some of my destructive behaviors- but in its simplicity I've just secretly loved a woman who was unattainable and off limits and the weight of that is destructive to anything which conflicts with my truth. I mean, besides the obvious reasons why it wasn't possible, the other side of the coin is that I knew I was never good enough to be with her when I was working on all of this shit over the years._

 _So there you have it, that's the ugly truth Dr. Agard. So, what now?_

"Thank you Harvey."

 _For what?_

"For finally telling me your truth, where the crux of your journey begins. You have an undeniably deep-rooted history with this woman. She has been many things to you over the years, and we can list them in order and examine the evolution of your relationship, but I have to ask in the general sense of it all to help me do the work with you."

 _What?_

"It seems as though there is this forbidden love aspect from what I gather. How do you know it's not just a preconceived fantasy? The chase, so to speak?"

 _Because…it's not! I've controlled myself for almost twenty years to never cross that line. I've tried not to dance on that boundary because I value, respect and care for Jessica beyond my selfish feelings for her. So much so that I feared hurting her and ruining all of what we were destined for professionally and as partners. Because that's what I do best, destroy and then repair the broken parts. That's the chase I seek. It's the thrill of trying to make the jump shot before the clock runs out. It's my flaw and my gift. Look at what happened with Mike….It's all because of me and my choices. But here's the thing, my flaw did come in handy when I would destroy our...her enemies. God help the man who came knocking to destroy her. I would walk to the ends of the earth for Jessica._

I couldn't help but also think about the simplest reason why I wouldn't cross the line with Jessica besides protecting what was ours and that was those quiet moments that are so indescribable for the average person to comprehend. Sometimes, they were the moments that gave me the most peace in times of chaos, and if I was completely truthful with myself, and in my adult life.

 _It's funny…no one is as much fun as Jessica is when the world isn't watching her. No one is kinder or more unselfish than she is. She talks a good game of being emotional Teflon, but she always puts others before herself. She'll always find the solution for you first, and think of herself later. I couldn't give that up…that care, it felt really good to know there would always be that force in my corner when my everyday is so burdening and draining. I'm self aware enough to know that I've been a mess of a man for years, I still am. I've thought about it many times, lost many nights of sleep thinking about all the ways I could go to Jessica and tell her about all of this, inside… and I always come to the same conclusion._

"Which is?"

 _I know I would hurt her because it's who I am. I always ended up hurting her, disappointing her. I even betrayed her…once, one time too many and It should have never happened. But it did._

"What did you do Harvey?"

 _I orchestrated a coup to oust her from her position as Managing Partner, even after everything she did for me, just to spite her in my state of selfish hurt, jealousy and hollowness._

Dr. Agard just stared a hole through me.

I disgusted her.

I could see it, plain as day.

 _I know. I'm a piece of shit. For the record I am still very ashamed, and I still hate myself for it. It makes me sick. It's shit like that, the things I do in anger and pseudo-betrayal. When I lash out, it comes from the dark places within me. But Jessica always somehow managed to forgive me. She always gave me another chance because she knew that deep down…I didn't mean it, that I am pathetic and needed her mercy…but also because we're bonded, as twisted as it sounds. The logical part of my brain knows her forgiveness is out of pity, but the other part of me makes me believe that she's the only woman who could really love me…flaws and all._

"You mentioned you had a moment, at the lifts, before you parted ways last night. Do you feel comfortable enough telling me now what exactly happened?"

 _I…uh…_

My voice cracked. I cleared my throat as the creep of the moment caught me again.

 _…_ _walked her to the elevators and we stood there for a few moments, shoulder to shoulder staring at our names on the wall. It's such a trip when you really think about the journey. It's not until you reach the end, that you ever really give any attention to the beginning. It was the first time in a long time that I had a quiet moment of reflection about all of it, the big picture._

 _Talk about perspective! And all because of the woman who stood by my side._

 _I turned my head to look at Jessica, but she just stared ahead._

 _She couldn't look at me._

 _She had tears in her eyes._

 _I think it was all coming to a head for her and she started processing the reality of moving on and what she just did. I think she at that moment accepted what she had just done and all the aftermath that was to come._

 _And when that one tear rolled down her face, I felt everything unglue within me._

 _I somehow managed the strength to say to her 'You don't have to do this' as I wiped the rogue tear away from her face. She gave me that devastatingly beautiful smile of hers through her silent tears and then said, 'I can honestly say that I have done it all. But I haven't really lived. I've called the shots for so many years for everyone else, except in my own life. It's time that I live for me, on my terms.'_

 _I told her this would always be her home and if ever she would change her mind, the letters of Pearson would be back up on the wall within seconds._

 _She reached for my face and ran her thumb across my cheek and then brushed close to my mouth. She was moved but had this small sad smile on her face. I kissed her palm and then held her hand to my chest._

 _And when I did that, she came to me._

 _Jessica held me tight as though she tried to pour everything she couldn't or wouldn't say. All I remember was her handbag dropping to the floor and then everything just faded around me. I held her with everything I had; I don't even know how long we stood like that._

 _It wasn't until she whispered in my ear, 'Harvey, our castle was never built on pillars of salt or sand. It was built on blood, sweat, tears, faith, and blind trust. You were the best part of my years here. I regret nothing, not one moment.'_

 _I pulled away from her and held her by the waist, just far enough to tell she was the most important woman in my life and she would always be. We both shed a few more tears and then when we finally broke apart…the look in her eyes, it was…I'm still floored by that moment of silence between us. We were fixated on one another. It was like something shifted in that one moment, like all the barriers we both had put up over the years to protect all of this were now null and void._

 _I always knew she cared, but I could swear at that moment I felt like she loved me on some level._

 _I should have kissed her._

 _When it all became too much, Jessica reached for the button to call the elevator, and when it came, I had to let her go. She stepped into the elevator and the doors started to close in, and my panic in letting her go kicked in. I held the doors and forced them back open and asked her to dinner on Sunday night and she gracefully agreed. And that was it._

 _I can't imagine ever doing any of this without her. My biggest fear over the years was losing her, except now it's my reality and I don't know what to do Dr. Agard? Logically I know I should tell her how I feel. But how?_

"Well Harvey, now that you've let me in on what you've been holding back this last year from me, I think you need to ask yourself how you want to go through the rest of your life? Do you want to continue living in isolated moments that hold you over and satisfy you for a period of time before you move on to the next thing? I mean you'll definitely limit the possibility of being hurt but in the process will still collect collateral because you can't fully give yourself to someone else?"

 _I'm so tired of that Dr. Agard. It always ends the same way, in destruction for the other woman and myself, because the guilt and shame of not conquering my fear eats me up from the inside out. It's chaos, constantly doing the same thing, hoping for different outcome._

"Ok, well then ask yourself if you're ready to risk getting hurt for the possibility of great love? If it doesn't go your way, you may be facing a devastating outcome if Jessica may not feel the same way. You may permanently lose your deep-rooted friendship and what you're hoping for in one fail sweep."

That sounded so awful that I could already start to feel the constriction in my chest. But then Dr. Agard continued, "But if she does, well Harvey, you'll be in for one hell of a journey, but this one may finally bring you some peace and the maybe even some the of the greatest moments of your life, the things you have yet to experience."

 _I think I'm ready, I just need to build up the courage to bring myself to go through with it, and somehow eloquently tell Jessica._

"Good, if you can admit it, it's half the battle to find the courage. There is one more scenario to consider..."

 _What is it?_

"You can just let Jessica go and move on with time. Let time heal the possibilities and let Jessica go down her own path. You said you love her enough that you would give everything up for her if you had to, does that include your own selfish needs and wants? Would you be prepared to let her go for her to find her own bliss and happiness on her own terms, on her own journey as she said to you at the lifts? The benefit to you Harvey is that you will be free of what has always held you back from fully living because of this complex female relationship in your life. You'll have the chance to explore other relationships, which may not be as stifling and complex. You could open up an entire realm of alternative possibilities. The other thing is that you'll get to keep your close friendship in tact with Jessica but a romantic relationship will have to be something you will have to let go of once and for all. Jessica won't be part of your everyday world anymore, she won't be there as a constant which clearly affects how you function, your decisions, and your behaviors. You can finally move on and find what your life looks like without her."

 _I can't. That is not an option. That would be like burying my head in the sand and the minute I resurface, or I'm around her… I may as well go back to scenario one._

"Then Harvey, my recommendation would be to really think about how you want to position all of this with Jessica and be prepared if may not go your way. And if it does, prepare yourself as well."

 _What do you mean?_

"Well, a woman like Jessica will expect a lot from you in a relationship."

 _I would never cheat on her or be unfaithful._

"Relationships are not just about being faithful, Harvey. Jessica is going through a major transition in her life and will have many moments of uncertainty. You will have to support her not just cognitively but emotionally. As familiar as the two of you are with one another's learned behaviors, you will be discovering brand new aspects of one another. You'll see and hear things you may not be prepared for- her vulnerabilities, her darkness and insecurities. The same will apply for Jessica with you, but somehow I get the feeling she will be able to shoulder what you put on her. You will need to work on it Harvey- your patience, your temper, your ego.

 _Can you give me a little more explanation and context? What do I need to do to get this right with Jessica?_

Dr. Agard sighed and continued to elaborate, "There will be very little room for the things I previously mentioned within the realm of a relationship and you will need to be cognitive of your shortcoming traits, the things that tend to get you trouble. You won't be able to be reactive and fly off the handle and just react and hope she will just fix whatever mistakes you make as she has in the past and just forgive you. There is an accountability and responsibility with a woman like Jessica who is self made, self-motivated, and unselfish as you said previously. She was your boss, your mentor, your teacher, so I assume she shouldered more to help you evolve and come into your own as a partner, as a friend and as a man. But if you chose to romantically commit to her, the scale of care, compassion and unselfish consideration will need to be more balanced toward her to level out. You will need to constantly be aware of your behaviours and their affects because she won't be those things to you anymore. She will simply be a woman who chose you to share her life with. There's also the fact that Jessica is a force of a woman, and strong willed women like her have a very sensitive scale of what they need from their partner. She is not like most women Harvey. Because she is so used to carrying the load for everyone else, she needs a partner who will help her lighten it and make her feel no less of a woman. I suspect she won't want to be a fragment of the woman she used to be either, even through she isn't in a position of power anymore. She will still need to feel empowered, even though the circumstances of her life have changed. That's what I mean by prepare yourself…she won't be the same after the choices she just made. Ask yourself if you can be that kind of partner and help her find that balance? Really think about it Harvey before you say something you can't take back. Can you be a man who can support her, love her, appreciate her, fight for her even when you're tired, give willingly without expectation? There is more to a relationship than just sex, faithfulness and date nights. That's the easy stuff."

Everything that Dr. Agard said was so profound, and so on point that it made me wonder if maybe Jessica wasn't a client of hers too. It's like she knew Jessica…or maybe, she was speaking from experience? Whatever it was, it gave enough clarity that I knew I wanted this to be my next challenge as a man. Failure wasn't an option, not when it came to Jessica. I wanted to be everything for her, to her, with her. No other woman would be worth this fight. Jessica was extraordinary and I wanted to be a man of extraordinary exception too and so I confirmed, _I understand Dr. Agard. And I will, before I talk to her. I don't want to make another selfish decision when it comes to Jessica._

"That is the right response. You have definitely made some great strides today and over the last few months, Harvey. You are more acutely aware of yourself since I first met you. I think you're ready to do some soul-searching and make some life decisions. But it seems we've gone over our time of our session."

Dr. Agard smiled at me as she headed toward the door to see me off and said as I passed. "Consider this one on the house."

I returned Dr. Agard's small smile and nodded in appreciation as I strode to her buttoning up my suit jacket. It was a gesture of good will...maybe even luck.

When I reached my town car I sent Jessica a text message confirming our dinner plans. She responded within a few moments, she would see me at nine.

In that small moment of quiet reflection, I knew I had to tell Jessica. It was time.

THE END.


	2. Chapter 2

[A/N: Thank you for all the reads and reviews, you are all amazing as always. Chapter 2 continues the story from Jessica's perspective. The reads and reviews give me creative inspiration and I always love to hear your thoughts and feedback. Hope you enjoy! Official disclaimers: I own nothing, all belongs to the USA network and their respectful owners.]

 **A Moment of Quiet Reflection**

 **Jessica Pearson**

I looked around the vast expanse of my surroundings for what Harvey was referring to as his "surprise" for the evening.

I didn't understand it, at first.

We ended up here partly because I ignored my better judgment earlier in the evening when I jumped in Harvey's town car without a second thought, intrigued to no end what my maverick had up his sleeve, but mostly because of his elegantly disguised proposition for the evening to continue. I knew Harvey a long time and he always had something on the backburner ready to go, it was never the full story with him. He was the most mischievous bastard I have ever known. Yet he was also the most dependable man, almost to a fault. This guy…he was such a riddle, from the moment I met him. It was just so damn easy to get dragged into his little schemes.

So when Harvey so charmingly positioned his proposal for the evening continue, it was a disturbingly easy decision to hop into his car without second thought for the appropriateness or even the unnerving element of surprise.

For anyone who really knew me, knew I hated surprises.

It never ended well.

You see, I believe surprises were a conduit for chaos to rush through and wash away any sense of proprietary or any sense of control. No wonder it was a considered war tactic.

For the record, I blame my decision to get in his town car on the wine.

Wine makes you bold.

Wine makes you reckless.

Wine makes you stupid.

But all jokes aside, I wasn't ready for the evening to end and there was still so much to discuss with Harvey. There were so many things I needed to get off my chest and somehow couldn't find my words at the table as we shared a meal and other things across from one another.

There just wasn't an appropriate segway. The evening just seemed to go…another way. It was pretty damn perfect if the circumstances were different.

Harvey had taken me to my favorite restaurant, which wasn't too far from the office. I've had many business meals there as Jessica Pearson, Senior Partner and even as Managing Partner over the years, but very few as Jessica. It was the type of place you wanted to go to be seen, to plant seeds, to assert your power and sometimes, to wine and dine high profile clients and let everyone know about it. It was where you went to be seen. I had always avoided the joint after cocktail hour because one could never be too mindful of the eyes and ears in the dining room. But ever since the firm took a spiral over the last few months, it wasn't necessarily a bad thing for us to be spotted often, to let the corporate world know we were still in business.

I guess one could call our dinner my last strategic move as Managing Partner for Harvey, Louis and the firm. But tonight the circumstances were also not necessarily all business. After all these years I could finally just indulge in the refined meal and wine. The scallops were mind-numbingly decadent… so was the company.

You see lately, with Harvey and I, it always felt like time was passing us by at the speed of a hummingbird's wing beats. Nothing ever slowed down around us; nothing ever just settled into place. It was always a constant battle; a constant effort to just put out the fires so close to our home. Eventually they just burned around us and our house was just engulfed in flames.

But Harvey and I always had this amazing sense of one another, where we danced around each other and one another's needs. Sometimes Harvey took the lead, and other times it was my turn to tango through a situation. When I took on one thing, he balanced and supported on the other. When he was in a moment of weakness, I rallied in his place. And when I had a moment, he was right there ready and more than willing to do the same. When all of this around us came tumbling down we stood…still, absolute and side-by-side, ready at whatever was to come our way. We leveraged one another, we leaned on each other, we had each other in every way that two people could, where the trust, at least on my end, became so innate that it was the only thing that allowed me to sleep at night in the chaos of the last few months.

The fear was palpable from the moment Mike was indicted that night and Harvey himself had resigned. Coming off the internal attack by one of my own and the beginnings of the fiasco that was Mike's exposure, I have to admit, I had never been that terrified in my entire life. I can still feel the walls closing in on me, no matter hard I tried to reinforce them and hold them up.

But I knew the man across the table.

He would have taken a bullet for me.

And me, well…I was willing to perjure myself for him.

Harvey was my closest friend, and one of the most important men in my life, faults and all. His mistake was my mistake and I would not let him set fire to himself.

That's not what we did.

We put fires out, together.

What Harvey and I had over the years was rare…and simply just, good.

Somewhere after my third glass of the most divine Chianti Harvey took the liberty to select, the evening began to feel new, and different and exciting. What was always familiar and easy with the man across the table became charged and fervid-but not in a bad way- if the circumstances of the evening were different.

Harvey had this way about him where he could slow a moment down when it all became too much. I'd observed it over the years. His tactics of controlling a situation were expert; his words became charged, and almost poetic. He was so quick- sharp even-but riddled in this smooth execution. See…riddle.

Somewhere in the middle of our conversation at the table I noticed that Harvey's delivery became slow and measured.

It was in the way his mouth moved.

It was in the way he would position his body to try and disarm the person across the table.

And then his eyes would do this thing, this slow burn. It was as if he looked right into your goddamn soul.

And here I was, consciously aware he was slowing it all down, with me. But I also knew, I had to remain careful. But truth be told, I didn't mind the special attention, I never really did. But there were still things that needed to be discussed and my heart and mind were heavy these last few days since we had that moment at the elevators. I kept replaying it over and over in my mind, and in the most inopportune moments. I needed to say it all out loud to the man across the table because I felt stifled.

But the way that Harvey looked at me all night…god, his eyes were mesmerizing. The pull was magnetic; so charged with positive ions that it pulled me at my core and all the negative charges running through me since my resignation just a few days ago. I was fixated on the smolder of his brown eyes, as though there was a fire cracking amongst the flecks gold within his irises. Lately I'd observed Harvey's eyes held so much sadness and worry, but somewhere I could see that his anxiety eased throughout the night. He looked…happy. The crinkle in the small lines by his eyes returned when he smiled or laughed at some smartass comment of mine throughout the evening. It was a great thing to see again, and even with my resignation between us on the table, Harvey seemed like he was ok.

That small observation gave me some peace in my state of nerves of what I still needed to tell him.

It wasn't until Harvey had reached for my hand excitedly in the lobby of our…the firm's…building and started to pull me quickly down the corridor as though he was in some rush to get me to the elevators that I started to unglue a little bit. It was very sweet and we rarely ever touched, at least not purposely. It was like an unspoken rule that just naturally evolved as the nature of our relationship evolved over the years. The idea itself even now seemed convoluted and inappropriate- and maybe even sacrosanct- evidenced by the fact that I felt uneasy and roused all at the same time by his charming little move, even now after it all.

My heels beat the marble floors with Harvey's purpose beneath them. I can still hear them now and feel the strength of his determined and excited pull. Harvey was missioned to take me along for whatever ride he had planned. When I saw him push the button for the 50th floor of the firm's main floor, I just decided to give him some side eye and tap of my shoe impatiently, wordlessly giving him a hard time about what the hell he was up to.

I still couldn't turn off that innate need to pester him, even if I wasn't his boss anymore. I just couldn't help myself. Besides, I knew he loved it. He lived for it. And when I heard him huff out a laugh as we both watched the numbers of the floors rise in the express elevator, we giggled like a kids in a classroom. We were definitely a little bit drunk, and now that I think about, maybe even on one another, because really, it wasn't that funny.

See like I told you before, wine makes you stupid.

But I knew once we reached the top, I innately knew things would change…forever. It was strange, as we got closer to the 50th floor we both rode the rest of the way up in silence.

The one thing I remember most about that moment was he never let go of my hand-not in the silence of the elevator, not through the dash of the firm's darkened lobby, not through the PSL library, or even up the five flights of steps of the side door that led to our spot; the same stairs we'd both escaped to many times.

It wasn't until we reached the expanse of our rooftop when Harvey finally let go of my hand.

I was expecting something…anything…to give me reason to flee because I was starting to internally panic and him letting go of my hand was enough for me to work myself up. You know what they say about fight or flight tendencies, when those kicked in…listen. They were the brain's ancient biological survival skills, wired into the oldest part of our brains, the primitive instincts that alerted us when imminent danger was around the corner. And something was telling me whatever was about to happen was going to change everything as we both knew it.

I looked to the right, and then to the left of me, and saw Harvey walk to the edge of the building several feet away from me as I hollered across to him, What's _the surprise? I don't understand. What am I looking at Harvey?_

"This! This place…our spot…I wanted to bring you up here one more time before midnight. You know what happens at midnight right?"

 _Ray and your town car turn into pumpkins?_

He gave me that dry gaze as he tipped his head incredulously at my sarcasm, and when I responded at first with a self-satisfied chuckle at getting one over him, I could see how my laugh started to break that serious look on his face and he was trying so hard not to laugh. I started to approach Harvey as I spoke, _Yes Harvey, I am aware that I am still technically Managing Partner until midnight, tonight._

"That's right. So…boss, wanna give the view one last spin with me?"

The crunch of the gravel made me a little unsteady, my ankles began rolling in some spots, to which Harvey reached out to steady me, which ironically did the exact opposite because he was making me feel unglued the further evening began playing out. I smiled at Harvey and how thoughtful the gesture was in its simplicity of its nature- not the hand of support-but that he was trying to cement the rooftop one last time in my memory; that even in its bitter sweetness my last memory of the view from the top would still be in my official capacity as Managing Partner.

That was the thing with Harvey he could surprise you and shift the ground from under your feet with the simplest gesture or with just a few words. This time, I couldn't blame the gravel.

 _I've been coming up here longer than you've had your law degree Harvey._

"How'd you manage that?"

I shoved him slightly with my shoulder as I mocked him, _Same way I managed to break into your apartment from time to time._

"Come to think of it, are you finally going to tell me how the hell you do that?"

 _Nah. I prefer to still keep somethings to myself even if you have seen me cry. By the way, you're an ugly crier._

 _"_ _You're an ug…I can't even finish that sentence..."_ He was so juvenile sometimes, but so goddamn adorable I wanted to shake him sometimes.

"Jess, I'm a little bit worried about you to be honest."

 _I'll be fine._

I sighed, trying to reassure Harvey as I looked back out to the twinkle of the Manhattan skyline. The air was warm and dewy. You could almost smell the bloom of Central Park in the air several blocks away, even that far up in the sky.

"I know you will be. That's why I'm worried."

 _What? That makes no sense Harvey._

"Sure it does. Now that you'll have all this free time, I can only imagine what's on that list of yours."

 _What list?_

"Don't think I don't know about 'the list'. I know everything."

 _Ugh…firstly, no you don't…_

 _"_ _Do too."_

 _Don't make me throw you off this building as my last act as Managing Partner._

 _"_ I thought your go-to move was setting fire to my desk?"

 _That too… What list Harvey?_

 _"_ The Jessica Pearson Master Checklist to World Domination."

This goof could always make me laugh, uncontrollably. And the worst was once you got him on a roll, like now… "I mean, you can break into homes and not leave a shred of evidence-no surveillance, no markings no witnesses. Do you know how many times I have seared my doorman and building security and they so easily deny that they've even seen the woman I can so easily describe? I just keep picturing you rolling out an oversized building blue-print within your superhero lair planning a full infiltration and exit plan-maybe even burning off your fingerprints for good measure- then loading an arsenal of weapons to scale a fifty story sky scrapper in six inch stilettos. Come to think of it, how long have you been doing that before you'd stroll in here at seven in the morning like its no big deal?"

Harvey was so juvenile sometimes, and every time he did it made me feel young and like a version of myself I used to like. I too used to love getting into a little mischief. And no one could get me going like Harvey could. We both had the same perverse sense of humor- from the innocent, right down to the gutter level. He made it really easy to forget the hard stuff I always had on the agenda.

"I just find it interesting that you're not denying it…that's all. Are you CIA?"

The more I laughed the more he continued.

"NSA?"

The laugh was reaching down all the way into my insides.

"Because I swear that shit I pulled three weeks ago was covered by attorney/client privilege and I can't be tried for it. And besides, some could even make a case that it was almost patriotic!"

 _Don't worry you are off the hook. I've classified it. It will just be pages and pages of blacked out names, dates, facts and figures within the public record._

"Maybe you're not CIA or NSA…that would be way too rational and way too easy."

 _What's you other theory?_

"B6-13."

 _When the hell did you start watching Scandal?_

"I'm on season 3…again you didn't deny it. Interesting…"

 _Last try Harvey…go..._

"Batman?"

As cool as Harvey was, I always secretly suspected there was a bit of nerdy quality to him. I'm almost convinced he was comic book kid. I would double down he probably still had a few stashed somewhere in his place. He just brought Batman up way too often as his justifications for his rationale. And just as the thought invaded my brain of him being even more adorable, I almost forgot that I really needed to get something off my chest, which could change all of this…forever. That's how easy all of this all was with Harvey.

"Jess?" I looked up at him and there it was again…that look; that dangerous, slippery look which always left more unsaid between us. It had invaded between us again and time seemed to slow once more.

It wasn't until Harvey broke the moment with his deep baritone voice vibrating between us in a soft command that I realized I needed to take some air into my lungs. "Dance with me."

 _Harvey, there's no mus…_

And then out of nowhere Frank Sinatra started to fill the space around us.

But it was muffled, almost as if it were coming from some pocket somewhere on Harvey.

I could hear the unmistakable crooner melody of one my favorite songs, the one I must of hummed thousands of times in my mindless concentration or loosely sang under my breath when Harvey's record player softly filled the firm after hours.

Harvey placed his phone down on the ledge of the building and reached for me. It was just too damn easy to step into his arms. He clutched my waist in the most assured grip, like we'd done this a million times before. Maybe we had, in another place, another time, another world.

 ** _I've got you under my skin_**

 ** _I've got you deep in the heart of me_**

 ** _So deep in my heart that you're really a part of me_**

 ** _I've got you under my skin…_**

We moved within one another's space. We mirrored one another's movements. We were succinct in our steps in that familiar dance we've always done around one another, only this time it wasn't with our words.

 ** _…_** ** _I'd tried so not to give in_**

 ** _I said to myself this affair never will go so well_**

 ** _But why should I try to resist when baby, I know so well_**

 ** _I've got you under my skin_**

With a twirl, a quick switch of the feet, a giggle and a firm grip of unimaginable trust in holding one another just for a simple dance, this was another one of our moments. There were moments over the years of familiarity, of jest and of joy. But this one just felt surreal because there was no context, no limitation, no formality. It definitely was a surprise. Sinatra's words just filled the spaces between us. The poignancy of the fluid words managed to take my breath away at how accurate and prosaic it all was at this moment.

 ** _I'd sacrifice anything come what might for the sake of having you near_**

In that one split second I thought about what might have been?

 ** _In spite of a warning voice that comes in the night and repeats_**

 ** _Repeats in my ear_**

 ** _Don't you know little fool_**

 ** _You never can win_**

I though about if we just once, indulged?

 ** _Use your mentality, wake up to reality_**

 ** _But each time that I do just the thought of you_**

 ** _Makes me stop before I begin_**

I let my mind wonder to the what ifs; if things were different then and if they could still change? I was so distracted that I didn't even notice how we unwittingly began to move closer into one another's space.

 ** _'Cause I've got you under my skin_**

This was one of the most romantic moments of my life, and it was all because of Harvey. It didn't get more New York than this.

And it wasn't until the feeling of Harvey's skilled fingertips down the expanse of the skin on my back that it all started to slow down all over again. Somewhere in those short seconds we became uncharacteristically close, no longer expertly swaying to the melody, simply stilling in it just to be present in each other's company, just to feel the moment. Harvey's face and lips came to my neck, as he began singing the repeating verse in my into my ear…"I would sacrifice anything come what might for the sake of having you near…"finishing his intention by placing a knee-weakening kiss that lingered on my skin just under my ear, after breathlessly crooning the alluring lyrics which so elegantly gave words to us over the years.

It was enough for my eyes to close and let the feeling wash over me, just for a second, for a minute, for a moment…

 ** _In spite of the warning voice that comes in the night_**

 ** _And repeats how it yells in my ear_**

…I gave in.

Another series of soft kisses began their dragged journey along my skin-measured and sure- Harvey's movements were no stroke of misguidance or mistaken understanding. Harvey was unhurried, and the surge of desire came through in every contact he placed. His lips did things to me, enough to make me forget it all and what I had done just a few days ago.

 ** _Don't you know little fool_**

 ** _You never can win_**

 ** _Why not use your mentality_**

 ** _Step up, wake up to reality_**

Harvey's hands somewhere in all of this found my neck, my face, and the gentle cradle of care he used in the touch was considerably appraised in his next move. As Harvey's lips began to move along my jawline, it was so clear that his exquisite mouth was drawing the unmistakable path up to my lips where the capsule of everything between us over the years would no longer need words.

But I knew, even in that perfect moment I had to say something.

My chest began to rise and fall by the overwhelming moment and the lapse in my better judgment and rationale thought and choice. I held Harvey by the lapels of his suit jacket, gripping in fear of the sobering words, which were about to leave my mouth, halting all of this inexplicable force around us. And as Harvey's mouth began to circle the forbidden place, he stopped himself just in time.

 **And each time I do just the thought of you**

 **Makes me stop just before I begin**

We were barely separated by a measurable unit of length as he crooned the last line of the lyrics, "…Because I've got you under my skin." With every motion of his mouth it was like the beginning of a tortuously delicate kiss, enough so that I had to hold my breath or everything would have given from beneath me.

In the fade of the song, came the fade of the magic of the moment. Reality began to set in for me. Just as Harvey began the unmistakable tilt of his kiss, I impeded his skilled attempt without warning by moving my face away from his mouth.

 _Harvey…I can't._

"Why?" The growl of his desire was evident and it took all of my willpower not to give in.

 _I can't kiss you because if I do, I won't be able to take it back._

"Why would you want to take it back? There's no justifiable reason why this can't happen. Not anymore."

 _There is Harvey._

"What are you talking about?"

 _After my resignation, I uh… went to see Jeff._

Harvey stood silent processing what just came out of my mouth. In his blank stare, I saw the first wave hit him.

It was shock.

 _We're making another go of it. I'm sorry Harvey, if I knew the evening would have played out like it had… I should have told you earlier tonight, at dinner._

"You're goddamn right you should have told me at dinner! Tell me now."

This was the second wave, anger.

Harvey's frustration had started to rear its way into the conversation, and frankly I don't blame Harvey for lashing out. I deserved it for letting the situation get this out of control.

 _Jeff received an opportunity in Chicago and I've known about it for a week. I decided that I would try to give Jeff and I the chance that we didn't really get because of the secrets between us, which destroyed it all. So I made the grand gesture to follow him…"_

"Follow him?" Harvey interrupted with a look of disappointment.

 _…_ _and at the time, I made the decision to also do it for me; to start living my life for me. As the tone of this evening began to change…I'm sorry Harvey…it was selfish and irresponsible of me…and it's not fair to you that I kept this…"_

"Do you love him?" Harvey abruptly cut me off from my apology.

 _Yes. I have waited for a man like Jeff for a long time, and he never gave up on me. Through all of this, we were able to pick up right where we left off._

"Wait…Wait-a-minute… you're leaving New York?"

Now it finally hit Harvey, he had just processed the bigger part of what I just revealed, that I was moving halfway across country. To be honest, it still wasn't even processing properly in my own mind.

 _Yes,_ I shakily offered.

"When?"

 _I will be back a forth for a few weeks as I need to take care of my affairs, but the plan is to be settled within the first month or two in Chicago._

I watched Harvey go through the stages of grieving right in front of me. At first, Harvey was solid in his place deep in his denial of what I just revealed and then within seconds he became restless as I confirmed I was leaving, permanently and not just firm.

I could see the muster of anger building as Harvey began pacing, something that I'd rarely ever see him do. That was more Louis' go-to move. I'd observed Harvey over the years, and in his anxiety and he always had his feet planned firmly to the ground, even if he was having internal meltdowns. He would just go quiet to process and compartmentalize- an admirable trait.

I watched as he paced with his hands on his waist and he stopped and stared at me blankly; his hand running down his face gripping his jaw in disbelief, as his eyes began to betray him, searching me with a look of utter disbelief. The vortex of Harvey's emotional state was memorizing, I had no idea what was going through his head after the moment we just shared. How it all went to hell so quickly I knew would stay with me for a long time.

This is not how I wanted to end my chapter in New York, or with Harvey for that matter.

He finally began speaking again and said, "You walked away from the firm for this?"

 _A decision I didn't make lightly._

"That's bullshit."

 _Excuse me._

"You heard me. On what planet does Jessica Pearson follow a man?"

 _Watch yourself Harvey._

"No, I won't. I've always said it like it is and this is no exception. You're running. Jeff will never make you happy like you deserve."

 _What do you know about what makes me happy?_

"I know he wants to change you. He wants you to be a version of yourself that makes him shine brighter in the prism of his life. A woman of your caliber on his arm…but a shell…a fragment…"

 _Go to hell Harvey! You don't know what you're talking about. You have no idea who he is and what we had._

"That's where you're mistaken, Jessica. I watched this all unfold for months. He manipulated his way into your life. He pushed you into decisions and choices you didn't want to make. He tried to change you to better suit himself and left you when it didn't work for him anymore and his wavering moral compass. He never fought for you. When it got tough, he bailed."

 _No, that's not true! Jeff's a good man._

"Jeff couldn't handle you at your best, he already started chipping away at you; manipulating you into hiring him, pushing for a relationship when you clearly gave him boundaries, questioning you and your motives at every turn. And he sure as hell couldn't handle you when you were at your worst, when you needed him most. All he ever wanted to do was shape you, mould you, and dictate right and wrong to you like you needed some unsolicited guidance, as if you didn't know better. When you went to tell him the truth about Mike, he slammed the door in your face! Literally!"

 _Harvey…it's not that simple. I broke his trust. It was on me._

"I watched you for months quietly sort out your devastation. Jeff sold you a bill of goods and let you down the minute things didn't go his way, when you didn't deserve to be let down because you did everything right by him to protect him, right from the start. The minute it came out about Mike he should have came to you and stood with you- in your corner no questions asked-if he really loved you. You protected him and he shit on that. He's not the man for you."

Harvey was so impassioned. His interpretation of events caused my eyes to pool and my throat to consequently dry. It definitely wasn't how I saw the relationship play out. I blamed myself, solely.

"Don't make this mistake Jessica."

I was never more torn in my life, between the commitment of my word and decision and my reality of uncertainty and fear. We both stood in silence just watching one another, fixated on the fact that this may have been the last time we were a version of ourselves, of who we had know the other to be.

 _I think you're wrong Harvey._

Why was that so hard to say out loud?

"Well, if that's how you feel, than that's how you feel Jessica. There's nothing left to say."

I could start to see Harvey begin to wall up. I'd watch those bricks of his go up, one by one over the years and tonight was no exception. The walls around him became a little taller. I could see it in his stance, in his body language, in the tightness of his jaw and lips.

His eyes became hollow and stark, that gleam was gone. His hands which moments ago touched me with ache, with need, with care were hidden within his pockets. He was enclosing on himself, retreating to that place I knew so well. I'd been there a hundred times in self-preservation and protection.

And when he turned his back to me to set out at the hope that the view would distract and heal this terrible moment, he offered, "I can't watch you leave. Not again, not like this. I can't watch you walk out of my life again Jessica. It's to damn hard."

 _Look at me Harvey…._

He didn't.

 _I have to live. I have to turn a new page and start again Harvey. Too much has happened here and I need to scorch it all and rebuild to find my purpose all over again. It's selfish and I am sorry that I didn't tell you sooner, because you and I are friends first now, and that means we are privy to one another's lives. But you and I can still be in one another's lives Harvey. Just because I am leaving doesn't mean…_

"That's exactly what it means Jessica. This cannot exist anymore. There's no more room for it."

 _Harvey, please don't do this. Don't leave it like this._

"Be happy Jess. That's all I've ever wanted for you."

 _Harvey…_

I started to reach for him, in one final attempt to close our chapter in a proper goodbye but I stopped myself when he offered in a monotone unfeeling manner, "If you are going to go, please just…go."

In that quiet moment of disbelief, I realized Harvey and I had reached the end of our road. There was nothing left to say.

Two days later, I boarded my flight to Chicago with Jeff. I had left New York.

…

[Lyric Credit: I've Got You Under My Skin lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.]


	3. Chapter 3

**[a/n: Hello all you lovely readers! Happy Holidays! So glad you are enjoying this series, it's a slow burn, I know, but jam packed full of angst and perspective. Thank you for all your feedback and comments. Always love hearing from you all. Chapter 3 is Louis Litt's take on the events between Jessica and Harvey. I've never written Louis, hope it's in character. I love his sensitive moments and his moments of loyalty. He continues to tell us the story of where we left off...Enjoy! XO Disclaimer: I own nothing, just like to play in the sandbox for fun.]**

 **A Moment of Quiet Reflection**

 **Louis Litt**

Where do I begin?

I guess the beginning of the end is a good place to start. It was two years ago on a Sunday night when I watched the moment happen right in front of my eyes. I still consider that night where it all really fell apart, when we all fell apart, when I watched him fall apart.

It all just…unraveled. And no matter how hard we could have tried, after that night it was apparent that nothing could ever be the same again.

That same week I watched Jessica walkaway from our firm. The plan was for Harvey and me to take the helm and build the new era from the ground up with her blessing and her handover. But here's the thing, how could Harvey and I build the new era when it was all demolished beneath us to begin with? When the man who was supposed to be my brother in arms was demolished by it all?

Everything I thought I knew was just a version of truth. It only existed for the world as a deflective mirror of the true reality of my extended family. It became apparent that Sunday night I never really knew them at all. It was like the walls that enclosed my so-called reality were just extravagant mirrors and when a force powerful enough ripped through its foundation, it caused them all to shatter into millions of pieces. My mother once told me that trust was like a mirror, you could try to fix it if it broke, but you would always see the cracks in the reflection.

After that Sunday night, I would never be able to un-see those cracks in Harvey, our firm and in the relationships I held nearest and dearest.

It was close to midnight when I saw Harvey in his office that night. The office was stark in its isolation when all the lights were out. I always thought so even after almost twenty years there. The only thing that caught my eye on my way out was the resolute yellow light of Harvey's table lamp shining a spotlight in the vast darkness. I headed toward his doorway with the intent to turn it off and that's when I saw him, sitting there in complete silence.

I had been there for a few hours and I didn't even hear him in the vicinity. I remember I had come back to the office to prepare for the week, as the weekend became an impromptu celebration of baby and engagement events with Tara and our families and friends. That was the first weekend Tara and I had together as an engaged couple and parents to be. I had never been happier in my entire life and I dove head first into my bliss. For three days I forgot about all that plagued at the firm.

I forgot about our dire state. I had hope for the first time in a long time.

We had all lost so much in the battles of the last few months and despite that one of the most influential females in my life was departing, it felt like a new beginning. Looking at things as a new beginning was always so much less scarier then thinking of the end.

You know, I still credit Jessica with preparing me for all these incredible moments and blessings that I waited years for. In her last conversation with me, just after she broke the news of her resignation, Jessica imparted the most telling pieces of advice, which I still carry with me to this day. She told me to accept-then act, that whatever life gives accept it as though you had chosen it. She said that it doesn't always look like what we dreamed of, but divinely and through extraordinary forces, we're given exactly what we need in that exact moment, but it is up to us to exact it into reality. Those moments are fleeting and sometimes that goodness comes around only once in a lifetime, in a particular person, at a particular time.

Jessica always knew how to give clarity even in my clouds of anxiety and discontent. Without her guidance I'm not sure if I would have made the same decision. Jessica always made me feel like I'd be okay. It turned out to be the best decision of my life, I now had Tara, our baby and the family I wanted more than anything. God, I missed that woman…still do.

Anyway, when I reached the door to Harvey's office, I knew to approach apprehensively. The closer I came toward the doorframe, the stronger the energy emanated from within. I broached with complete caution. I could tell something was inherently wrong. I ensured that my steps glided over the rugs, not to startle him. Even looking at the back of his head, I had felt like I was approaching a dangerous animal outside of his cage. My intention was not to make any sudden moves or noises, where some sort of exercise in discretion and finesse was required.

His breathing was heavy.

His back rose and fell in an upsetting manner.

He was sitting in the leather seat with his back to the door, staring at the floor slumped over, elbows on his knees with his head slung to the floor and his hands cradling his head as though it was in pain.

I had never seen Harvey in such an openly distressed state.

Over the years, I had seen him enraged. I had seen him indifferent. I had seen him vulnerable. I had even seen him lose control. But I had never seen him anguished…devastated...destroyed.

It had been such an emotionally tolling week at the firm; with Mike being released, the state of affairs with the handful of clients we had left, and of course, Jessica's departure. I remember that even in the high of where I found myself with Tara in those few days, I still couldn't help but be wary of what the next day was going to bring without Jessica in our corner. Harvey and I needed to find a new way of life, a new approach, and new way to divide and conquer and pull all shit together. We needed to be a united front. There was no room for pettiness. There was no room for us to fall apart. And that's why I was there that night, preparing for what was to come. But I wasn't prepared to see Harvey that night. Not like that.

 _Harvey?_

I broached his door, carefully. It felt like my throat closed up as soon as his name came out. There was no answer. His body didn't even flinch.

 _Harvey? Is everything…_

"Not now Louis." Harvey's voice was monotone- heavy and rough as it inched through his strained attempt.

 _What do you need?_

I tried again, hoping he would give me some kind of order to exact, where I could help pick up the pieces to give him enough time to regroup. I attempted again to get an answer.

 _What can I do?_

"Please Louis, just go." He sounded so exasperated- defeated-where the monotone was muffled as his head still pointed to his feet.

I came around the coffee table and sat perpendicular to him on the sofa, leaning in to show my support. I wasn't going anywhere, how could I?

I just sat there, waiting patiently. I just watched him, but on the inside I was contemplating how else I can brooch what was afflicting him. He just wouldn't look at me.

 _Harvey…something is clearly wrong. I just want to help you. Is it Mike?_

"No."

Is it your brother?

"No."

 _Is someone sick or…_

"Goddamn it Louis! Enough!" And that's when I saw his face. He was irritated enough that he snapped his head up and yelled at me and that's when I saw his eyes.

Harvey looked as if he was in a deep mourning, like he had just lost everything. Seeing the sorrow in his eyes was the most sobering moment I had ever had with him. For the first time it hit me, he was a mere mortal with the same deep pool of emotions and feelings we all had. But he had lost the battle with whatever reality brought him to this state. I swallowed hard as I just looked to him, not sure what to say. Whatever had Harvey in this state, I remember all I could do was to feel for him. I could feel the emotions start to prick at my eyes. I felt terrible for him.

 _Whatever it is, let me help you Harvey. We can figure a way out._

And that's when Harvey reached in his breast pocket of his suit jacket and pulled out a small navy box and dropped it unceremoniously onto the coffee table, as though that would be answer enough.

Adorned on the deep navy velvet was the unmistakable silver of HW. Harry Winston. I reached for it and opened it to be sure to get the clear picture, not wanting to assume anything and irritate him further. When I opened the box I looked up at Harvey who had his eyes closed, forehead resting in the length his hand, as though he was squeezing the anxiety and distress of the moment out of his body.

 _Holy_ goddamn _shit, Harvey! Is this…?_

"Yes." The dryness in monotone was wrenching.

It was an extravagant asscher cut engagement ring nestled in the darkness of the velvet. It was quite the ring; I mean it would have to be if Harvey was proposing it and marriage. I took a moment racking my brain of the women in Harvey's life that would warrant him out of his womanizing and bachelorhood.

This was huge.

So I went to the first logical person. _Scottie?_

 _"_ No."

 _Donna?_

I still remember how hard it was for me to suggest Donna. I always thought, or more accurately deduced there was something between Donna and Harvey, that they were both too prideful and stubborn to explore. Hell, she came to work on my desk because of some personal shit between the two of them. I was so sure that bond they shared was more than just the surface of what was portrayed.

 _"_ No."

With his eyes still closed, I watched him inhale a sobering breath of air, as though it was too difficult to get the words out as is. And that's when he said the name I knew, would haunt him for a very long time. I didn't expect it when he told me it was Jessica who he intended to propose to. I was beside myself.

I knew they cared for one another. I knew they were best friends; they were family. The bond didn't get closer then the two of them. They were like this fortress that was the hardest thing ever to crack. Believe me, I tried for years to be part of their little club. And for years it was always me looking in.

But love? Marriage? Romance? I had no idea. So I had to ask, _since when?_

"Since the moment she came into my life. I've loved her and everything that came along with her. Jessica was my reason for getting up in the morning. Jessica was my absolution in so many ways I've lost count. Jessica is the love of my life."

My heart bled for Harvey.

I had no idea.

The strength; the self-discipline; the fortitude; it must have taken to love a woman right in front of him for close to twenty years without the ability to do anything about it.

At that moment I finally understood their connection, at least on Harvey's end. I understood why and Harvey so valiantly stood with Jessica, fought for her, fought with her, and never gave up on Jessica or her beloved firm. It was beloved to him because she was his beloved.

And here I always thought it was his ego that drove him. It wasn't, it was always his heart.

I never got it before, until this moment.

Harvey continued to explain after he took a pause to regroup, "But I chose a different road with Jessica. I chose the love of the law. And when this road came to an end this week, I chose her. And she…she chose Jeff."

 _Wait a second, Jeff? Did she turn you down?_

"No. I didn't even have the chance to tell her I loved her, let alone propose a life with her. Jessica is leaving New York to be with Jeff. She loves him. She's leaving for him. And I'm letting go, once and for all. I need to find out what my life looks like without her."

 _Harvey, you have to tell her. You have to tell her that you love her. This could change everything._

"No Louis. Be my friend and help me…let it…go." Harvey's voice became shallower as the sentence came out, as though he was accepting the outcome of the evening. I reached for his shoulder and let him know in silence, I was behind him, whatever he needed.

Needless to say, everything changed after that night.

A few days passed in complete silence. That was until Harvey and I agreed to dissolve the firm and put its memory and legacy out of its misery.

It was all over.

It was time to let it go, just like Harvey said.

So here we all were, two years later since that Sunday night.

Rachel finished law school and became a lawyer. She was a first year associate at Rand Caldor Zane and was doing very well in her role. We stayed in close touch and she often would bring me in to consult when she needed a financial coup d'état pulled on opposing counsel, which I was always happy to oblige.

And Mike, well he married Rachel and was about to embark on his book and speaking tour, telling his incredible story and of those who embarked on it with him. He had found a new way to reach people by telling his cautionary yet motivational tale and its lessons and perils of business and legal ethics. Last I heard Mike was already optioning his story in the Hollywood hills. Say what you will about Mike but this kid was destined for success.

Donna had also moved to Rand Caldor Zane and became Robert Zane's legal Secretary just after Harvey and I dissolved the firm. She was so angry at us both and couldn't understand why we had made the decision at the time. And I wasn't going to be the person who was going to tell her the real reason why it all fell apart. I guess I was growing. It wasn't my story to tell. Donna didn't speak to me until my son David was born. She came to the hospital to bury the hatchet and apologize for our lost time. It wasn't until that reunion that I found out that she was engaged to a Senior Partner at her new firm and also had a baby on the way. Her daughter Sophie was born eight weeks ago and both mom and baby are doing perfectly well. Donna and Tara were already arranging a marriage for David and Sophie at mommy/baby yoga classes.

Tara and I welcomed our son David into the world that same year. And I was now in my third semester teaching at NYU. I had accepted a position as their new Legal Ethics professor. You know what they say…those who can't, teach. I couldn't go to any other firm when I had reached Mount Olympus. It just…wouldn't be the same. Pearson Spector Litt was my life, and without it, I feared for a long time of what my life would look like after Harvey and I closed the doors once and for all. I know that I've always said that I bled the crimson of Harvard but NYU was a refreshing realignment of where I was in my life today. They were a perfect fit.

Last I heard from Jessica was that she was still in Chicago. The last I saw of her was when she had visited the hospital when David was born. I was beyond touched at the gesture. She and Jeff both made the visit and they seemed… happy. But knowing what I knew of Harvey's confession, I felt so guilty observing the two of them in the room. All I wanted to do was talk to Jessica on Harvey's behalf, even eight months later. I just had this pestering need to get involved and tell Jessica the truth but if she was truly happy with Jeff I couldn't in good conscience meddle.

Jessica seemed so open and happy to see me, as though she missed her life in New York. She wanted to be filled in about everything, from the updates of our people, to my new gig, to the details of the dissolution of her beloved firm. No detail was spared. Jessica was always so skilled in keeping her reactions to a minimum when information was coming at her, but not in this exchange. She was so animated and engaged. Her commentary and her questions were filled with care and adulation hearing everyone had found their footing, almost like I relieved her of the guilt of walking away.

But what took me by surprise was how affectionate and open Jessica was in the moment, she just gripped at my hands and arms as I talked, like she was craving a connection to the past, to what was familiar and of a time and place that was uniquely us. Jessica stayed for hours getting to know Tara and the way she cooed at our little David I couldn't help but wish that it all turned out differently. That she had chosen Harvey and stayed here in New York. I missed her. Even after all this time, she still treated me like family.

But it wasn't until the end of her visit, when Jeff stepped out of the room to receive a work call, when Jessica had finally brought up Harvey. At first, I was taken aback. It was like the energy in the room shifted knowing what I knew of the way it all ended between the two of them. I had told Tara of Harvey's confession that Sunday night eight months ago, and now that she had finally met Jessica, I could see Tara was hoping I could help fix it… fix them.

But I couldn't, because the truth was that I hadn't spoken to Harvey since we dissolved the firm.

Harvey had disappeared for close to a year.

I didn't know what to say to Jessica except the truth, which was that I didn't know.

With exception to the over the top gift Harvey had sent to my home a few weeks ago to welcome my little David, I had no contact with him; no emails, no calls, no updates, just a card and a personalized gift, which, in typical Harvey fashion, was just a little too much just to out do everyone else.

I told Jessica of the self-important gift Harvey had delivered just the week before. It was an electrical 68-mustang replica toddler car in the Steve McQueen green, with a license plate that read LITT UP.

Rocking David in her arms Jessica snickered and shook her head at Harvey's arrogantly charming choice of gift.

 _I know right, what an asshole?_ I offered to lighten the mood.

I watched her eyes instantly light up and then fill with tears, as she shook her head and diverted, denying herself the emotional reaction. She sat on the edge of Tara's bed, as though the thought of Harvey made her a little uneasy.

She clearly missed him.

All I could offer to Jessica at that moment was, _I know, I miss him too._

"I keep hoping he will come through that door with that irritating strut of his and some bullshit movie quote. Is it strange I keep looking for him, hoping to run into him while I'm in town?"

 _No, it's not. I understand, you're hoping for closure._

"How did you…"

 _Know? I saw him, that Sunday night. He wasn't in a good place._

"Oh, I see…what did he tell you?"

It took everything in me not to tell Jessica the truth. I looked to Tara as she pleaded with her eyes to tell Jessica that Harvey loved her and wanted to marry her. Tara was hoping I could return the favor to Jessica for everything she did for Tara and me. Maybe if I told Jessica, it would be enough for her to search for Harvey and right all of this that went so wrong eight months ago.

 _That you were moving away, with Jeff. I had never seen him like that. Harvey was devastated._

But I couldn't do it, not if there was the chance that she was truly happy with Jeff. Jessica was not a rash woman. She had always been reasoned and methodical in in her choices. She clearly had to feel enough for Jeff to build a life with him. And I couldn't be the one to incinerate it with the chance that she would find Harvey and deal with a bombshell she wasn't maybe prepared to receive.

Jessica sighed deeply as she started to rock David again and said, "Harvey and I worked in so many ways, but we were also capable of destroying one another. I just wish I…" Jessica stopped herself and just looked down at David in her arms, hoping he could bring her a little peace.

 _I know. Look Jessica, if I hear from him, is there anything you want me to tell him? Anything at all?_

And that's when Jeff walked back into the room and we all went silent. Jeff looked around the room like he just walked in on something he shouldn't have. When his eyes went from me to Jessica and he observed the glassiness in her eyes, her body language and our unified silence, this disapproving smirk pulled at Jeff's lips as a sardonic huff escaped. He placed his hands on his waist as he shook his head and said, "Let me guess…Harvey? Unbelievable!"

Needless to say it became painfully awkward after Jeff's display. Jessica gracefully handed David to Tara and began her graceful goodbyes. I did notice the look Jessica threw at Jeff as she passed him to come back around to me. Maybe all wasn't as it appeared? Jessica embraced me and simply said "Thank you for everything" and wished us well.

That night I received a text from Jessica that said, "Just remind him, that we weren't built on pillars of salt and sand. Tell him I am willing to come home, if he is. He'll know."

That was the last time I spoke to Jessica. But sadly, I never heard from Harvey.

 _To Be Continued…_


	4. Chapter 4

**[a/n: Thanks again for the reads and reviews. I haven't given up on this story but it did take me some time to churn out the next chapter because it had to be just right to take us through the time Jessica spent in Chicago with Jeff…a lot happens in this one and the disappearance of Harvey definitely becomes an overwhelming presence in the relationship of Jessica and Jeff. Jeff becomes our lenses into Jessica's journey without Harvey and her beloved firm. When it's all gone, who is she at her core? What does she want from life? What are her true passions and purposes? I loved Jeff as a character on the show, and thought he was pretty damn perfect but I use him in this story as a foil when it comes to Harvey and role he plays in Jessica's life. Jeff's goodness becomes his undoing. Hope you enjoy this one and the mysteries of fate in this crazy take of the triangle of Jeff, Jessica and Harvey. Enjoy! I own nothing, just like to play in the sandbox XO]**

 **A Moment of Quiet Reflection**

 **Jeff Malone**

When Jessica came to Chicago with me almost two years ago I felt like the purpose of my journey in New York finally had come full circle. I left my family and friends behind in Chicago and spent eight successful years working for the S.E.C, with the best record of convictions and settlements year after year. Every year neck-in-neck with Shawn Cahill, it became somewhat of a joke. I spent years living it up as the top prosecutor cleaning up the cesspool of corporate greed, fraud and cons and it felt good. Thinking about that time period of my life, I'd made somewhat of a life in New York, despite giving most of my attention to my career.

I'd had relationships. I'd had some fun. I made some great friends but most of all, I made a name for myself in The City.

Life was good.

Good enough that I was willing to continue on in New York, despite my family and friends all being back in Chicago. For the most part, I never really connected with anything or anyone in New York, even after eight years, which is why I always yearned to go back home. But I just seemed to roll with whatever life had in store for me.

I had faith.

And then this brilliantly exquisite woman came into my life named Jessica Pearson and everything changed for me. I was adamant to have her be a part of my life, this unattainable, brilliant, strong, and breathtakingly beautiful woman.

When I saw her for the first time, across that bar, I actually felt the earth stop at my feet.

I had heard of Jessica Pearson for many years. Her reputation preceded her. But I had never met her in person. I have to confess that when my colleagues had once mentioned her in a conversation of what a tough broad she actually was as opposing counsel, I was compelled to goggle her. I obviously thought she was beautiful but definitely an elitist upper east-sider who was probably married to some C-Suite asshole and turned her nose up at everyone who didn't live on her block or voting district. I deduced she was probably just a figurehead at her firm who maybe came in two-times a month, signed some paperwork and collected a dividend check.

Definitely not my type. I hated people like that.

I grew up in Chicago, the mid-west. I liked to think of myself as blue-collar guy who was raised to be a decent person by his momma and sisters, and just so happened to put on a suit to work. I busted my ass to put myself through school; put myself through Harvard on scholarships and grants, and avoided all the temptation around me to succumb to the tough streets of Chi-town. All that I had achieved was as a direct result of the sacrifices of my momma, sisters and those teachers who pulled me up along the way.

So imagine my surprise when I saw Jessica a few years later sitting by herself, sipping on martini hammering out some emails on her phone, just like I was before I looked up and saw what I still consider a vision of fate.

I figured it would be a good move both professionally, and hopefully personally, to introduce myself. And when I did, she gave me that smile that stopped my circulation for just a moment, but it was somewhat dangerous as though she was trying to decide if she even wanted to engage.

It had been a while since a woman made me that nervous. It felt like everything within my body turned solid for a second, like she was King Midas and all turned to gold within me. Somehow I managed a snappy enough line to get her attention and kick the seat out beside her to let me entertain her at least for one drink. Jessica was everything I thought she wouldn't be. She was full of life, funny as hell, sharply sarcastic and so damn sexy. And, she wasn't married.

Jessica continued to rebuff me that evening and wouldn't even tell me her name. She was being mysterious and flirtatious. And I could tell I was amusing her, so I went along with her little game. But I knew exactly who she was.

So when I decided to play a guessing game of her name and profession, she was intrigued enough to oblige. I decided to get pretty creative. All I remember was that smile and chuckle of hers with every wrong guess. With every name and profession, I strategically got closer and closer until my lips were almost at her ear and when I whispered the answer which seemed to unlock the woman in front of me- _Jessica Managing Partner at Pearson Spector. Am I close?_

I managed to pull off the perfect impromptu first date.

That night, after three drinks, one shared plate, two hours of conversation and an undeniable surge of electricity, I took Jessica home. I knew that this woman had the capability to destroy me. Not because of who she was, but because of how intensely I felt for her even after just one night.

By the morning I was hell bent to have a relationship with her, she was the woman I was waiting for. I wanted to just spend time with her. I wanted to continue to laugh with her, the way we did that first night teasing each other. I wanted to build a life with her and nothing was going to stop me. I wanted Jessica in the fullest capacity of how a man wanted a woman. I wanted to make her Mrs. Malone one day.

But I knew I had my work cut out for me because she was a fortress of repressed feelings with walls so tall and so battered, chipped away by all the attacks she sustained on a daily basis and over the years. I had never seen a more impressive gate of self-preservation in my entire life.

She was magnificent.

That's what made the challenge of Jessica that much more beautiful and meaningful, because the one who would get through those barriers was sure to find the paradise of this resplendent woman.

At first, I needed to be clever and stealth to get to her and keep her attention. I did manage to get her and Harvey to hire me, which is where this tragic story began and what I consider the beginning of the end.

Harvey.

I used to solely only blame Jessica for why we initially fell apart, for all the lies she told. I thought she destroyed us.

But the lies were necessary. I see that now.

I still have a hard time reconciling that initial break up. I wanted to marry this woman.

Harvey… that son of a bitch broke us.

The lies that cost us our relationship all came from Harvey. It's because of him putting my woman in jeopardy, and Jessica's need to protect her own, that she had to let us disintegrate to protect me in the end, so I wouldn't be dragged down in the shameful ethical conspiracy known as Mike Ross, the fraudulent Junior Partner at PSL. Jessica took the liability away from me, as her lover and the man she was in a relationship with. And even after all of that, she still stood up and chose to protect her firm, her protégé, her legacy and her work family. She could have walked away. But she didn't.

Jessica wasn't ready to receive me. She still chose Harvey.

Her loyalty was always her biggest weakness, although she thought of it as her biggest asset. Her loyal tendencies always hurt her, broke her heart because those she showed her loyalty to always somehow let her down – her Father, Daniel Hardman, Harvey Spector, Louis Litt, hell…even me.

I was so angry with Jessica for a very long time, because I was sure we could have been great together. But I now see my anger was misdirected, I should have been angry at Harvey and found a way to relieve Jessica from his and Mike Ross' burden. A regret I will carry with me forever.

But when Jessica and I found one another again, after the whole Mike debacle was finally over with, both willing to receive a fresh start in Chicago, my faith was restored that this was our chance at happiness. I even told Jessica when she hired me as her personal attorney to protect her if it came to it, that maybe things happen for a reason, that there was more to life. Eventually she evolved her thinking and caught up the same page I was on in our story.

We got our second chance.

That night Jessica stood solid and sure on my doorstep and told me should be leaving with me. That was the night I started to spiritually believe again that the universe was finally aligning itself with my deepest wants and needs. The woman I loved came back to me by choice, with every right intention. And she came to me on her own volition.

The first few days were bliss in Chicago, full of excitement and new promise.

We looked for a home and found the most charming grey stone in Old Town Chicago within a day of searching and started to put plans together to renovate it to our liking. We were going to turn it into our own personal palace. It was going to be Jessica's pet project before she figured out her next career move, and in her words exactly what she needed to "reset". She wanted to oversee the construction, engineering, design of the whole thing. I was more than happy to oblige, anything she wanted I would give her.

I accepted a Partner position with a specialty in New York and Illinois Securities law with a roster of clients east-coast clients, which were transitioned to me as the partner I was taking over from had passed away. He was actually my mentor. His firm was where I began my career as an Associate before I moved to work as a State Prosecutor for Illinois. It all came full circle for me. I felt so blessed and fortunate to step into his shoes and continued legacy. He was a good and fair man. And that was the legacy I wanted to now leave behind in the footnotes of the law…and in life.

In this whirlwind of newness, Jessica was still travelling between Chicago and New York settling up her assets in New York and transferring as much as she could to Chicago, along with selling her immaculate penthouse in New York. It sold within six days on the market, over asking price. She was thrilled and felt like the pieces were coming together so naturally and I was so grateful and happy to see her embrace this major life change. It felt like she wasn't looking back, only moving forward.

That was until she received a courier package eight days from the day we left New York while we were out at dinner. We both immediately had the same thought, that she was being sued for something, a look of worry netted her eyebrows and for some reason I remember holding my breath for her. As she ripped up the envelope I saw the colour drain from her face.

 _What is it Jessica?_

"It's a check and a dissolution of proprietorship notice."

 _For what?_

"Harvey and Louis dissolved the firm. They closed the doors."

 _Let me see that._

It was what she said it was, along with a check for twelve million dollars. I knew what she was about to say, I knew Jessica well enough.

"I have to get on a plane. I need to get back to New York. Can you take me to the airport Jeff?"

But when Jessica came back two days later, she wasn't the same.

The joy of the last two weeks was gone.

Her bliss vanished.

She was morose.

She was mute.

She was completely disillusioned, defeated.

Jessica just shutdown and was off limits to talk. But the thing was she could just as easily randomly go off in irritation and anger. This was not the woman I got to know over the last two years. And then there was the sporadic last minute cross-country travelling back and forth to New York. She would just call me when she was already in a Town Car on route. And when I would ask her about these trips she would simply just state, "Business."

There was a whole part of her life I had no idea about. But I had a pretty good inkling who it had to do with.

This behavior went on for weeks. I hoped the new reality Jessica found herself in would cause her a few random days of ups and downs, letting go of her life in New York once and for all. After the bombshell was delivered to her in that envelope I knew that would be natural but Jessica just shut me out and I couldn't understand it.

She coped in her own way, but never wanting to actually talk about it. In the evenings all I could do was suggest a movie or political talk shows as I was running out of things to say to her. Jessica would just zone in and out of any conversation I tried to have with her, staring blankly at the TV when she decided to answer. Her passivity was concerning and startling. I didn't know this side of Jessica and we were just getting to know one another's living habits for the first time. But my gut indicated that this was not normal behavior for this usually vibrant and force of a woman.

The only time Jessica let me in was at night. She would let me hold her and she would grip me like she needed a lifeline. But I could have been anyone. It didn't feel like she needed me in specific, she just needed someone. And I would try to show her love and care. I would kiss her and attempt to make love to her but she was too docile and passive and barely returned my attempts- I remember her eyes always dark, hallow and blank.

I listened as she cried herself to sleep every night. And when it was time for her tears to flow, she would turn away from me and face the wall, wanting to not be touched, or even acknowledged. The only indication was the soft sniffle or subtle shake of a shoulder of her delicate sob.

This became our nightly routine.

That was on the nights where she wouldn't wake up in a cold sweat from a nightmare and leave our bed for a few hours in the middle of the night. I did what I could to support her, but I was exhausted. And in my exhaustion I was convinced I was starting to lose my mind because I was terrified she was having a nervous breakdown.

Jessica let me in just enough to help her cope, but not enough to lift her up and help her rise again.

The end of Pearson Spector Litt broke her heart. She put her faith in the two men she left behind to carry on her legacy and they once again disappointed her. They broke her for the last time beyond reproach. Harvey again was a common denominator in one of Jessica's lowest moments and I wanted to hurt him for it.

Jessica's behavior got to a point where I couldn't take it anymore. She was impossible to be around on some days, so on those days I would go back to the office and just work through the night. It was better this way because we would fight like two forces of nature meeting on dry land. The things we said to one another…and every time we came to blows, it just got worse.

One Sunday we went to my momma's house for lunch where my three sisters, bothers-in-law, nieces and nephews would get together for lunch once a month, after momma would come back from church. This is what I missed most when I lived in New York, family Sundays. I knew Jessica was in a fragile place but seeing her emotionally disengaged with my family for the second time hurt so bad that I lost it on her when we got back to the condo we were renting until our house was ready.

I couldn't take it anymore.

My sisters tried so hard to make it an inclusive environment; they were not cold women by any means. My mother raised them all correctly. They wanted to treat Jessica like family, like their new sister. Something I thought Jessica would embrace, knowing that her family was more disjointed then mine. My family was very affectionate and always in one another's business, always clowning around and playing pranks on one another.

My sister Charlie, who was also an attorney, but in family law, invited Jessica to some conferences and symposiums just to help keep Jessica's interests flowing and figure out her next move. Jessica rudely told her she "didn't have time to entertain such things" because family law was beneath her "expertise". And then my momma invited Jessica to help her in the kitchen as an act of affection and embracement. Since I praised Jessica's hidden talents as an amateur chef, momma had led with that sentiment and had told Jessica that all the Malone women had magic stashed away in their aprons and called to her with a smile.

She called her one of the Malone woman. My heart grew ten-fold…

But Jessica refused the invitation and instead took a call on the porch. As she marched out the front door I heard the name Harvey again on her lips.

My heart swelled and then broke into a thousand pieces.

This cold woman, I had no idea who she was.

I made my apologies and let my family know this was not the woman I had fallen in love with, and made Jessica's excuses that she was going through something. But when we got back to the condo, I had to say something. Enough was enough.

What the hell is the matter with you? I said as I threw my keys and phone on the decorative table by the entrance, watching Jessica's back as she walked to the minibar to grab a bottle of wine. She completely ignored me. So I stood my ground and forcefully snarled in her direction from the foyer, _Jessica I'm speaking to you, look at me!_

"You are not speaking to me. You are yelling at me and I will not participate in it."

She absentmindedly corked the bottle and took it with her and her full glass through the double doors of the bedroom. So I followed her and continued.

 _Well I will not have you be so inconsiderately rude to my family ever again. This behavior stops now! I indulged in it because initially I was giving you your space. The first Sunday dinner we only made an appearance because of all the bullshit in New York. It was so fresh and I wanted to ensure you were comfortable. But today, today you crossed a line even I won't help you justify. You were insufferable._

"Fine! I won't ever go there again. And for the record, how was I rude? Because I didn't want to cook?" She calmly began disrobing her blouse and kicking off her shoes like she could care less what I was saying. I couldn't believe how dismissive she was.

 _You don't even see it anymore! You are so deep in your mountain of shit that the whole world has become a dismal hole of place to you!_

Jessica came back around the bed as she said, "They're not my family, Jeff! They're yours! My family is back New York."

I lost it.

 _GODDAMN IT JESSICA! THERE IS NO ONE IN NEW YORK FOR YOU ANYMORE! THEY BETRAYED YOU, ALL OF THEM! I'M YOUR FAMILY! YOU ARE THE WOMAN I LOVE AND I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT BUT I CAN'T BECAUSE YOU WON'T LET ME!_

I didn't even realize how loud it came out, but Jessica visibly flinched, eyes wide in shock staring at me full attention.

I scared her.

That wasn't my intention.

So I softly offered what I was really trying to tell her.

 _You won't even try to make an effort to heal. You would prefer to stir in this darkness than even meet me a quarter of the way and let me help you. Let my family help you. Let them…and me…pull you up. We won't hurt to you. I want to build a life with you. Jessica, you're scaring me because I can't recognize this woman you've become._

And I watched her head fall to the floor in shame, her hands gripping her open blouse in nerves, biting her lip in consideration. And then meekly though her tears she said, "I don't know what's happening to me?"

 _Talk to me Jess. What happened in New York? What did Harvey do? And don't tell me it has nothing to do with him because I know better._

I placed a hand on her neck for a sign of support and trust.

"Harvey…he's gone."

 _What do you mean, gone?_

"He disappeared. I went back to give him and Louis a piece of my mind and I managed to locate Louis, but Harvey, he was gone. I could have sworn, I saw the light shift under the gap in the door. He was there. But he refused to let me in. So I tried again the second time I flew to New York. I went to his place and he wouldn't answer. I called. I emailed. I just kept calling…I could hear the phone ringing in the house… but no one would answer. Louis couldn't find him either. I even sent my former PI to look for him and he turned up with nothing. It's like Harvey vanished. I know he has the resources and he did it."

I just watched her as her emotions were getting the best of her. Jessica was finally purging what she was carrying for months.

"I had this way of getting into Harvey's apartment…"

In my head I had to question their relationship as she randomly let go of her thoughts, surely too tired to rationalize how much she was revealing. I needed to know how deep this ran between her and Harvey. Breaking into his apartment? How often did she do this back in New York? Did they have some secret-relationship in the past? Did they sneak in and out of each other's places for secret hook-ups? What was this exactly between the two of them?

"…I got in. But…his apartment was…it was a mausoleum. There was no sign of him, no dishes in the dishwasher. No water spots in the shower. Nothing in the fridge. His possessions from the office were lined up in boxes in his bedroom, untouched. He was gone. It was as though he dissolved the firm and took off. I had to finally contact Mike Ross as my last resort…the last person I ever wanted to deal with again. And he told me that Harvey had asked that I stop trying to contact him. Harvey knew I was trying to reach out. Do you know what that was like to hear it from Mike Ross of all people? I was mortified. He was receiving my attempts but he was deliberately dismissing me. He deliberately disappeared on me. After everything, Jeff…I just feel so…so betrayed. I feel…numb."

 _Fuck him Jess! All he has ever done is hurt you or cause you problems. All he manages to do is tear you down. He has ruined your life, and now he is ruining your happiness once again. Look at what he has already managed to do… look at us._

I watched as the tears, which welled her eyes, began to purge. The release shook her.- physically shook her-all of this build up of repressed anger and pain was about to disengage.

"Why does it hurt so much, Jeff?"

 _It's ok Jessica. I got you._

I held her like I knew she needed to be held at that moment.

After she opened up to me that night, the crying became less frequent. Jessica put in an honest effort to work though everything she left behind, to move on.

Jessica took on a position at Legal Aid and everyday I could see her passion was igniting a stronger flame. The woman I got to know was coming back, but she was still changed, that part was evident.

Jessica's compassion lived much closer to the surface. She let her humanity guide her career choices and somewhere in those months of personal recovery Jessica stopped seeing her kindness as a limitation. I think it had something to do with the people that she worked with and finding her purpose again. Her days began to heal her. Jessica spent many nights on cases and became so emotionally tied to what she took on that she fought valiantly as though she was personally vested. It was wonderful to see what a force of nature she was when she went to court. It was good to see her stride again especially in the tough courts of Chicago. We were known for the drama and underhanded theatrics of our courtrooms and Jessica managed to navigate them beautifully.

Jessica also became more open with my sisters, and spent one on one time getting to know them individually and as sisters. They were crazy about Jessica. It didn't take long for that part of my life to fall into place. And when I called Jessica on a random Thursday to see if she had left the office for the evening, she told me she was in the car, taking my mother on their weekly grocery runs. I had no idea this was standing routine outing for the two most important women in my life. I never loved a woman more in my life.

Yet with all this progress, Jessica still kept me at an arm's length, at least that's what it felt like to me. Jessica's behavior was very similar to when we first started openly dating. She acknowledged us but there were walls around her. She was keeping something close to the vest, and no matter how hard I tried, Jessica didn't take me through the journey with her to work through whatever she was going through. It's like the intimacy was missing. I was there for the ride but not the journey and I wanted nothing more than to take that walk with her.

Instead she reached out to those around her to help her heal. I think she was trying to forget. She still sometimes zoned out and stared into nothing and I had a gnawing feeling that she was thinking about him. I still believe she couldn't shake him even months later.

Somewhere around seven months into our relationship, we both realized how little time we actually spent together in our brand new home. I was always working late and so was Jessica. We only ever saw one another in the mornings or just before bed, usually too exhausted to give each other proper attention we deserved. We just seamed to revolve around each other, rather than collide, as couples should have in their own homes. We didn't have much of a life together now when I look back. Hell, I thought the same thing at the time, but I never said anything to her. I just let it go on because she had made so much progress that I was just grateful to have Jessica in a good place. If she was ok, we were ok.

But from time to time I caught Jessica talking in her sleep. Normally I would make fun of her the next day, playfully of course, but it wasn't as funny when she would whisper Harvey's name.

But, at least the nightmare's had stopped.

Two months later, we had visited Louis in New York to welcome his son into the world. We figured it was the perfect time to bury the hatchet and sever the ties of the past and just move on. It was a great day until I walked in on what I was sure was a conversation about Harvey. It felt like I caught her red handed, emotionally unfaithful. I consider myself a patient man, one reason why I was so successful as prosecutor; I always made a strong case stacked with the damning evidence. I always needed to be sure I had a solid case. But it just felt so shady when I walked back into Tara's room. I lost my cool. It was an awful feeling when all I wanted was to have Jessica purge this asshole once and for all. Especially when she so obviously didn't want to bring him up in front of me when she spoke with Louis.

That afternoon, when we got back to the hotel, we got into it again. But this time, Jessica walked out on me. She didn't return till close to midnight after that fight.

I think that was the fight where it all started to become all too brittle to keep upright anymore. The walls around us started to slowly crumble and start the inevitable tumble.

We said some awful things to one another.

Things I am not proud of.

The biggest thing I accused Jessica of was being in love with Harvey and emotionally cheating on me. I said that the prick disappeared yet I felt like he was always around because she kept the burden of his ghost around in every corner of our home, and our bed. Our bed would be the last place I would accept his presence anymore. I told her she should just go find him and fuck him to get it out of her system, because after she'd do it she would see he was a worthless waste of her time. I told her she was cold and unfeeling, neglecting my needs for months and me for some fantasy… and if she wasn't careful I would walk out one night with no regrets and she would be left wondering if I found someone else to scratch the itch.

And she told me I was out of my mind and that I was trying to dim her light so I could shine brighter. She said it was her nature to care and protect the people she invested in, the people who meant something to her. She told me I was jealous, stifling and insecure and that I was an inconceivable prick for threatening to cheat on her, knowing her first marriage ended for those exact reasons.

She wasn't wrong.

And then I said what I still cringe at in my memory to this day, that I wasn't her husband in this scenario- she was playing Quentin's role in our demise. I dragged the memory of her dead ex-husband into the fight as a defense strategy. I know, I'm an asshole.

Jessica told me I was selfish and shameful for making a scene in front of Louis, when he was just as worried as she was. She said she was mortified. She told me this was bigger than Harvey…that she was working through her own experience and purpose. She told me ever so calmly that I was denying her the space to do so, because it was all about me in this relationship. She told me the only time she is happy in Chicago is once she gets to work and her day begins. She said she was happiest when I'm not around, suffocating her. She told me that I was manipulative and always made it about my needs when sometimes, it was about her. She expected me to know, without having to ask, when she needed my support and feel like I was in her corner even when it didn't exactly work for me. What killed me after, when I rewound her words in my head was when Jessica said all the sacrifice in the relationship came from her, that I sacrificed nothing to be with her. She, in the heat of the moment said, she regretted coming to Chicago and also told me that if she had the chance she would have done it differently...because she could have.

I still don't know what she meant by that exactly.

And just before she walked out Jessica told she didn't want to come back with me.

She told me it was over.

Instantly, I regretted the things that came out of my mouth in my jealous fit of rage. I begged her for her forgiveness but all my attempts went unacknowledged.

She just…walked out on me and disappeared on me.

Those were the worse six hours of my life.

I thought about how Jessica tried reaching Harvey in all her attempts over the last nine months and them all falling on deaf ears. And now, here I was …in her same shoes. I couldn't even deal with six hours of this shit. Jessica had tried for months to get just one response. And then I finally got it, how emotionally distressing it was to try and reach someone who wasn't willing to be reached…the worry, the pain.

As I said, she did come back to me at midnight and she looked like a complete mess.

Her face was fatigued, defeated…I felt horrible. When her swollen red eyes met mine across the sitting room of the hotel I swallowed hard and asked, _did you come back for your things?_ I was so sure Jessica was going to go through with her promise to leave me that night. I went too far.

"No. But I can't talk about this anymore tonight. I don't know where we go from here Jeff."

 _We try again. We don't give up. We try to be better. We're not bad people Jessica. We just know what buttons to push because we're skilled at it, and we both think the other is made of steel…that we can take it and make it another day. When in reality we just…_

"…Destroy what we cannot rebuild. Once the damage is done…"

 _…it just becomes permanent scars. I am profusely sorry. Never again. I will never again say the awful things that came out so hastily and inconsiderately. I was cruel and out of line…_

"I am used to it, Jeff." Jessica's voice cracked. She looked to the ceiling to prevent the tears from welling her tired eyes. She swallowed it down and continued, "Everyday for the last 25 years of my life I've had people coming at me from every direction saying cruel and unsavory things. And if they didn't say it, I know they thought about it. Every person in my life, one way or another, tries to tear me down. But I still want to believe…in the good…that I can be loved and at the very basic level respected…that I am worthy of at least that…I just can't be around that energy anymore Jeff. It's why I willed change in my life. It's why I followed you."

I felt my heart break for the hundredth time when Jessica finished her thought with such void, as though she was shutting down on me again in self-preservation.

 _What are you saying Jessica?_

"I was prepared to leave you tonight. Not come back at all."

I remember holding my breath and praying there was more.

She held out on me.

She made me sweat.

I remember how at that exact moment I realized how powerful words could be. In my profession it was easy to lose sight of the razor thin line between efficiency and cruelty with words- how it was a gift and a curse all at the same time to be skilled in that realm. I don't know what possessed me to threaten I'd cheat on her and make her feel unworthy like all the other men in her life.

"Jeff, I am willing to give this one more shot, so long as this bullshit is out of your system. I can't do this anymore. I need more from life than to constantly be at odds with the men in my life. I need to just… be..."

 _Be what? Loved?_

"Yes, with no conditions." Jessica's voice cracked and her eyes welled up again but she pulled it together quickly. "If that's enough for you Jeff then I am willing to go the next round and fight for this relationship with you because I believe we are better people than this. Making life decisions reeling from a loss never ends well and I refuse to hold onto another regret in my life. After all, it is after midnight and today is another day."

I approached her apprehensively, first placing a hand on her face and the other on her back pulling her in for a slow embrace, hoping she would return the gesture and just try to open up to the idea of an intimate will of physical forgiveness. Jessica and I made love that night to try and heal the damage we had done to one another. It was slow, sensual and full of emotional surges, which at time felt overwhelming. It was the first step in our journey to heal. We had both hoped that our relationship had a breakthrough.

That September we celebrated a year in Chicago, our one-year anniversary. I had accepted that Jessica needed to be fulfilled by more than our relationship and her dedication to the legal clinic. It was evidenced by the fact that she volunteered all of her already sparse personal time to sitting on the board of a Children's Hospital and also volunteered at various fundraising events for the hospital. Jessica and I seemed to just go back to that place where we revolved around each other. Yet again, here I was back in that same place where I was apprehensive to even bring up the topic because of our last major fight in New York. So I just let it go…but I felt so compromised. Like my feelings didn't matter. It was the two of us against the world but I still felt like I we were flying solo. The passive conflict was palpable because I loved this woman, everything about her – especially her quiet goodness.

I still very much wanted to marry her, but I don't think she was ready yet for that step.

So imagine my surprise when on a random Tuesday a few months later, just after a year of being together and barely speaking about the status of the new normal of our relationship, Jessica brought home a little boy – a foster child.

I was speechless – she wanted to be a mother – and I instantly became a father-figure without even a consultation.

I wanted to be Jessica's husband before I ever became someone's father.

I loved children, but I didn't think it was in the cards for Jessica and me, two middle aged attorneys who were dedicated to their crafts and made no plans to slow down. I resigned to being the cool uncle and godfather to my sisters' and friend's children but that was it. And I certainly didn't think Jessica wanted to be a mother. We once had the conversation in the first run of our relationship about marriage and kids and she told me she was open to marriage again, but children where not in her life plans- that they hadn't been for a long time which was why she resigned the idea the first time around in her first marriage.

What could I say when Jessica asked me on the spot, with the wide eyes of Jacob on me if it would be ok if he could stay with us for a little while.

Jacob was a five year old boy who was bounced around the system from foster home to foster home when his mother had overdosed and died three years prior and his father was listed as anonymous on his birth certificate. He had no next of kin; no grandparents or known aunts or uncles. Jacob was taken from his last foster home by the Child Protective Services when an investigation yielded that that the home was being neglectful and Jacob needed to be award back to the state.

Jacob was completely alone in the world.

The story, as Jessica told me that night, was that she had some time between cases and had taken up some common space in one of the court conference rooms to prep for her next case. As she was working away, she didn't notice that Jacob was hiding under the wood table where she sat. He scared the living daylights out of her when he reached for her foot to play with the shiny decoration on her shoe.

She asked him to come out from under the table, not wanting to scare him further after the scream she let out in shock. But Jacob refused and curled up even further in the corner, his back up against the wall in fear and consequence. He thought he was in trouble. Jessica got down on her hands and knees and coerced him out. He trusted her kindness enough that he followed her out after a ten-minute negotiation, sitting under the table with him until he was ready. Jessica asked him if he was lost and looking for his mommy? She said he looked terrified and barely used his words. The poor thing was traumatized according to Jessica. So she tried another tactic to help him open up so that she could return him to where he belonged. She asked him if he was hungry.

Jacob nodded, but still he refused to speak.

As she helped him put on his backpack, which she said was too big for such a small boy, Jacob reached for her hand. Jessica smiled at him and he smiled back. Jessica kept asking him questions of who he was there with, or if anything looked familiar. Jessica told me that Jacob just gripped to her harder in open spaces of the court's hallways, where there was a lot of commotion, he would shield himself behind her leg, gripping her trousers in fear.

She bought him a sandwich in the cafeteria and sat beside him as he ate in silence.

Jessica just kept talking to him, telling him her name and who she was, and he just watched her wide-eyed analyzing the woman in front of him, a perfect stranger. He looked her right in the eye, never braking eye contact as though he was searching for something or making a decision about her. She said it was the strangest thing being scrutinized by a child.

Out of no where came the first word's from this little boy, meek and cautious, "Thank you, Jessica." He then told her his name and continued with his story, as only a five-year-old could muster who had seen the hardness of the world in his short time here.

Shortly after, a security guard and the Social worker burst into the cafeteria, finally finding Jacob. He had taken off because he didn't want to go to a new foster home. He wanted to stay in the state home, so he ran away once in court because he, at this young age, already knew how the system worked.

When Jacob saw the Social Worker and heard her chastising tone, he climbed into Jessica's lap, threw his little arms around Jessica's neck and refused to let go. Jessica told me he was in hysterics crying, kicking and screaming as the guards tried to release him from Jessica.

Jessica demanded everyone back off and she quieted Jacob and soothed him enough so that the situation was less of a scene that it already was. Jessica said she knew the social worker from a previous case and asked to see Jacob's file. When she reviewed it, she saw his psych evaluation documents that he had a hard time expressing himself, overtly shy and was somewhat of recluse. She saw he was a smart little boy who was bounced around four foster homes in his short life and the last was neglectful. She said her heart bled for him and she felt a need in her soul to help him. She said she couldn't refuse his cries and his braveness.

Jessica sat Jacob on the table in front of her and managed to halt his overt cries and gasping breaths. She asked him if he wanted to stay with her temporarily until the courts found his forever home and Jacob said yes, loud and clear.

That day Jessica was awarded temporary custody until the next court date.

We made it work for the next few months, adjusting Jacob to our home. Jessica and I enrolled him in school and hired a day nanny to help with the scheduling. I was more hesitant to become attached to Jacob if we were just temporary foster parents. He was a sweet boy, a good kid. But I was afraid what it would mean when one day he would have to leave us. But it was amazing how attached Jacob was to Jessica. Where she went he followed, it was like that from the first day when she brought him into our home. She fed him, bathed him, changed him into the new clothes she picked up for him and sat with him until he fell asleep. There was a definite bond between the two of them form the first night. From time to time when Jacob would have disturbed sleeps, he would run into our room and I would find him the next morning between us, with Jessica protectively shielding him in his sleep. There was a definite bond between them.

I have to admit it was beautiful to hear his little exuberant giggle and hearty laugh when Jessica played with him and she laughed right along. The sound reverberated throughout the house. Something I realized she didn't do much of when it was just the two of us.

It was good to hear again.

Jacob's progress was astonishing, in the new year he was forming full sentences and was beginning to show normalized social queues as school, making friends and participating more and more in social activities. He was opening up and every time the Social Worker would come visit to document his progress she was blown away with the little boy in front of her. She kept saying it was like a different child in front of her. In that last visit, a life-changing question was posed to Jessica and me.

The social worker wanted to know if we wanted to permanently adopt Jacob… if we wanted to become his forever home?

I saw it in her face the moment the question was uttered, Jessica was willing to fill out the paperwork on the spot but out of respect for me, she hesitated and told the social worker that we needed to discuss in private as we had agreed to a temporary situation.

Jessica and I had a decision to make before Jacob's next court date. However, we avoided the conversation for a few days. We still had some time and it allowed us to digest where we go from here as a family, as a couple, as people.

One Saturday afternoon, the unmistakable rumble of Jacob's little boots came barreling down the hall, as he excitedly started calling for me running to the kitchen like the little storm of energy he was.

"Jeff! Jeff!"

 _What is it little man?_

"Mommy bought me a big painting…it has a big green monster! It's so cool! Wanna see it? Come on!"

I stopped in my tracks when I heard Jacob call Jessica "Mommy".

I knew right then and there what I had to do.

Jacob pulled me through the hallway to see Jessica directing the delivery guys with the painting.

She clearly didn't hear Jacob.

I greeted her with a quick kiss and tipped the guys. I just couldn't help smiling at her.

"What? Why are you looking at me like that Jeff?" Jessica asked with a confused smile.

I took the painting from Jessica's possession and headed up to Jacob's room. I unraveled the protective covers and looked at the picture in front of me. I swear I had seen this painting before. I didn't know enough about art to know if it was some masterpiece by some famous artist, since I knew I had seen it before. Surely Jessica didn't buy a five year old a priceless piece of art...then again she did get carried away with the décor of his room, creating the ultimate playroom for a five year old.

My eyes glazed the doll sitting on the "big green monster" as Jacob called it. But to me it looked like a green duck, but hey I figured I would roll with the kid, what the hell did I know about art?

Jacob started telling me a story about the painting's meaning, he made up some imaginary story that made no sense and it was hysterical so I kept asking him questions as I cracked up. And as I was forced to look closer and closer at the details according to Jacob's story, I saw the signature L. Specter.

Of course…I knew I had seen it before. It was Harvey's painting. The one that hung in his office.

I hammered in the nails on the wall without a word, but with a heavier heart. I could feel Jessica looking on from the threshold of the doorframe as Jacob kept telling me it was crooked.

This kid…he was such a little disturber...even in my heavy thoughts he could make me chuckle.

"It's still crooked Jeff!"

 _Now it's crooked Jacob!_ I tipped the painting and watched him giggle in hysterics as he called me "silly".

"You boys are having way too much fun in here. Can I get in on this?"

"Mommy! Look at how cool the monster looks upside down. Let's leave it!"

I watched as Jessica gave me a double take and I just smiled at her and her reaction. She bent down and called Jacob over.

"Baby, did you just call me mommy?"

"Am I not allowed?"

"Jacob, sweetheart…you can call me mommy everyday, every hour, every minute if you want! But are you sure?"

"Yes, you're my mommy."

"Oh baby, Of course I'm your mommy! And you're my little boy. Come here." I watched Jessica hug and kiss his little face in a playful and over the top way. Her expression of joy caused Jacob's laugh to fill the room but so did Jessica's happy cry.

"Don't cry mommy! Smile." Jacob said as he pulled away and pinched her cheeks as she picked him up in her excitement and happiness.

"Ok, well...it seems we have one tiny, itty-bitty problem boys."

What is it Jess?

"That crooked painting… is not good for mommy's OCD. Fix it, now!"

"What's OCD?" Jacob crinkled his nose at us as we laughed.

This was our new normal.

I had never seen Jessica happier in the time that I knew her, just pure, genuine, joy. And I couldn't deny it anymore.

That night I watched Jessica put Jacob to bed. She sang to him as she did every night, however, that lullaby sounded so different to my ears that night. As I watched her stand up and turn off Jacob's bedside lamp, finally asleep after his eventful day, she turned in my direction, slightly startled at my presence but easing as she quietly whispered, "Today was a good day."

 _It was. Jess, I need to talk to you._

"What is it?"

Jessica followed me downstairs as I led her into our shared office. I had the paperwork for Jacob's adoption open on the table. It had come in the day before, but I didn't broach the subject with her until now.

 _Jacob's adoption paperwork came in yesterday. I thought it would be a good time for you to sign it._

"Oh Jeff, that's so thoughtful that you would chose now for us to sign it."

 _Here's the thing Jess, I can't sign it._

"What are you talking about?"

 _Jess, I don't want to be a father. And hearing Jacob call you mommy today was...it was the most beautifully bittersweet moment in my life. I was so genuinely happy for you because I saw everything in you light up. It was like your soul awoke from months of hibernation hiding from any sliver of light. This little boy was your destiny. You came here, not for me, but to receive him. I am not much of a religious man but I do consider myself somewhat spiritual and I believe that this boy was what you came here for. And I need you to know I am so content in accepting that, but I cannot interfere with it._

"But, you love Jacob. You're so good with him."

 _Yes, but I love you more. And I can't commit to being responsible for him with you when my whole heart isn't in it. Jessica, I wanted to make you my wife and I was content for it to be just the two of us for the rest of my days. But you and I have not been on stable ground for a very long time. And to bring a child into this, when you and I are not in a solid and secure spot…it wouldn't be right. Jacob was and is such joy. I don't know, maybe he even temporarily helped fix us. He brought life into this house. Before Jacob, this wasn't a home, and you know that. There have always been hurdles that we just can't seem to overcome, Jessica._

"Jeff, what are you saying exactly?"

 _I am saying that I love you so much that I am letting you go. I want you to sign these papers and be Jacob's mother without any pretense, without anything hanging over your head, without any responsibilities except his well being...without any guilt of providing him stability and love. I don't want to fight anymore with you when I know your heart is somewhere else, with someone else… and maybe has been from the moment you came here with me. I just tried so hard to deny it._

"This again!"

 _Jess, I don't want to fight with you! That's not what this is about. I'm not mad. I know that painting is Harvey's…_

"Jeff let me explain."

 _I don't need to know. But I do know when it's time to let go. I don't want to be a burden anymore or a weight in your life. I want you to live Jessica. Live with purpose…fully and completely… with no limitations. You once said you wanted to be loved with no conditions...I think Jacob will give you that… and more. And I also know I deserve to be loved in a similar way. You and I, for some reason, seem to give one another unspoken conditions and limitations. Our intentions are right, but there is something which will always be between us, and you and I both know what that is._

I watched the tears flow from Jessica's eyes, accepting the words I was telling her with some sense of regret or maybe even some pain.

"Jeff, I wish with everything in me that it would have turned out differently between us. I need you to know that I did love you and a part of me always will. But you are right. I was just afraid to admit what I don't know. And I need you to know that I am sorry for the part I played in all of this because I do believe you love me and that your intentions were always good. You were never a burden or dead weight in my life. You Jeff, were my guide through all of this darkness and I don't know where I would be after the decisions I made leaving Pearson Spector Litt. I once said to you in spite and anger that I regretted coming to Chicago…nothing could be farther from the truth. I found my purpose here and I will forever hold you and this place in my heart. You're a good man."

I loved her so much, and she wasn't making this any easier when things like that came out of her mouth full of conviction and so sure in her conclusions.

 _Find him Jessica. You deserve to know what this was all worth._

That night Jessica signed Jacob's paperwork.

She and I made love for the last time and in the morning, life in Chicago as we knew it just became a distant bittersweet memory.

Jessica and Jacob packed up and went home a week later.

 _ **To be continued...**_


	5. Chapter 5

[A/N: Hello everyone! Thanks for sticking with this story. I know it's been a while since my last update but what can I say…life gets in the way. This next chapter fast-forwards almost two years from the romantic night on the rooftop and months after Jessica leaves Malone. She is back in New York with her son, starting over all over again. We get a little more of the picture from both sides of Harvey and Jessica…Enjoy! Disclaimer: I own nothing. All belongs to the rightful owners. ]

 **Chapter 5**

 **Harvey Specter**

It started as any other day; at least any other day when I actually found myself at the office. I'd had my coffee and bagel as I sifted through the pile up of the new strategy reports on my desk, prepped by the company's analysts. I was looking for my next wave of diversifications to vet. I had just come back from a business trip closing a merger deal, which brought in a quarter of a billion to the company, and I was happily on to the next. I was back to being a closer once again, a role I didn't realize I missed until I got to bend people to my will again.

I tossed four reports in the trash, which weren't even worth my time, or salary for that matter, and was just about to attempt the fifth not paying any mind when I heard Gretchen's unmistakable buzz come though the phone.

"What is it Gretchen? Is it 9:30 already?"

"Mr. Spector, I have Jessica Pearson on the line for you."

It had been almost two years since she left the firm and me, a year and a half since she last tried to make direct contact with me, and almost a year since I last uttered her name out loud.

I'll admit it the formality of Gretchen's interruption had caught me off guard.

 _I'm sorry Gretchen, say that again?_

"You heard me. And I don't like to repeat myself. Now, would you like to take the call or would you like me to tell her you're currently unavailable?"

I stalled.

I somewhat always knew that there was a chance that this day could come, but I also knew how prideful a woman Jessica was. I had banked that after all this time, almost two years to be exact, she wouldn't bother riffling through the past because I sure as hell did everything I could to only look forward and never look back. Not anymore.

I refused to regress.

But I guess word was finally out, Jessica finally found me.

I made a conscious effort to fly under the radar in my new role as General Counsel for Towne Acquisitions, one of the most respected merger and acquisition firms globally. It was the perfect gig. The role kept me busy enough without having the intense risk of being vested as a partner or proprietor. I was simply on the payroll, which suited me just fine at this stage of my life after all of it. The ten months I'd already spent in the role were exactly what I needed. It allowed me the ability to never sit in one place for too long, which made it much easier to not get caught up in the past. I was always on the move, Tokyo, London, Dubai. The wheel never stopped turning and I just went along with the motions. It didn't give me much time to think. I was on the road weeks at a time even, living in exquisite hotels and locales with constantly changing faces. Everyday was different, and everyday my job kept my mind occupied. Enough so that in my continued search for absolution, I think I stopped living with the ghost of who I used to be and the woman who haunted those days.

But now, she was on the line.

I debated for a moment of putting Jessica through.

What could she possibly have to say to me after all this time?

I certainly didn't have much to say to her.

I'd moved on.

Gretchen came through the speaker once more, "You know she's just going to keep trying now that she's tracked you down..."

 _Put her through._

I waited for a moment until the line started to ring a few times. Nonchalant was the definitely the way to go here.

 _Jessica_.

"Harvey" …her voice… deep, calm, with a bite of an inquiring irony as though there was a joke on her lips. I'd heard her say my name like that a thousand times before. It almost, just for a second, felt like no time had passed at all. How could this be that easy for her?

"…how are you?"

 _What can I do for you Jessica?_

"I was just calling to say hello and congrats on your new role. Towne Acquisitions, not too shabby, great place to land. You know, they never called me for a reference…"

 _Is that so?_

At that point in the conversation I was already done. I started to feel the rattle of losing control, but I couldn't hang up because if I did, she would win. She would still have a power over me, and I refused to give into it. I chose to stand my ground.

A large sigh came through the line in response to my tone. Jessica definitely could gauge the level of my engagement in the conversation. "Harvey, why so hostile? I just…"

 _What? Wanted to connect again for old times sake? Shoot the shit? Jessica, I'm busy and am on a tight schedule so in the interest of time, why don't you just tell me what you want?_

"Well…I had somethings I wanted to discuss."

 _What could you possibly have to discuss with me?_

"A business proposition."

 _Do you now? You back in New York?_

"Yes."

 _Since when?_

"April."

 _Well I guess you and Jeff…_

"Jeff and I are no longer together."

Holy shit…they'd fallen apart. She had come home to New York.

I'd wished that fate on her so many times in my anger and devastation over the last two years. I'd wished it on her in so many scenarios so that she could get to feel what I felt when I lost her. In my head I knew what a selfish asshole I was for it. But going through all of this alone, it was the only way I knew how to cope in my recluse.

I had no one.

Granted it was by choice, but I couldn't risk letting Jessica back in, and she was a very resourceful woman.

It's like Dr. Agard told me two years ago, I had to find out what my life looked like without Jessica in it. Turns out, I had to scorch it all because Jessica was tied to every single part of what made my life so good back then. I had to let go of my firm, my friends, and who I used to be. I had to make peace with my past and begin to rebuild on my own stripping away the veneer of who I had become. There was something inherently wrong with the choices I kept making with the women in my life. I had turned away from all the women over the years who believed they loved me and could have made me happy, all because I held on to something that was never even there with Jessica.

While I was grieving what might have been, what had been, and what it was, Jessica was in Chicago living it up with another man, who I- deep down- knew was a good man, arguably maybe even a better man than me.

She deserved him.

That's what had made all of this all the more difficult to reconcile. I had wished so many times that Jessica would come back to me, by her own will, by her own volition and by her own choice. And she did, within two weeks of leaving for Chicago. But when she did, she didn't come for me, she came for her firm. Jessica came back for herself. With just a door separating us, I listened. I listened to her frantic attempt to get me to open the door- the banging and the words "Harvey", "me", "firm", "selfish", "disloyal", "hypocrite", "coward"-told me what I needed to hear.

Jessica didn't come back for me. She came…at me. Like I said, I listened that time. That's when I knew everything I needed to know about the woman I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

It was never about me, or about us.

That was the night I knew, it was really over before it ever had a chance to begin. I had the answer to my proposal that never left my mouth that night on the rooftop. Jessica never would have even considered it because she had never even considered me.

Imagine my surprise when I broke it all down and discovered I was nothing more than just her pawn. I always thought at the very least that I was her Knight-noble, loyal and shielding. But Jessica had positioned me to serve her agenda, her interests, and her ambition in whatever position and station she needed for that day.

You see, for me I blindly followed her. And Jessica knew it, and how to exploit my trust. That's what she meant the night at the elevators. I always did say Jessica played chess when everyone else was playing checkers. The only thing she didn't know was the extent of all of it, because for me, I blindly hoped for years that I would outgrow every rank to one day be her king.

So now, here I was, again, having to question why Jessica was telling me this about her and Jeff? What was her agenda? What was her plan? What was her end-game?

 _Well I'm sorry to hear that._

I figured the easiest way to steer clear of the conversation was to politely placate the revelation with a bullshit nicety.

 _"_ _No you're not Harvey."_

 _You're right. I'm not._

Jessica still knew me well enough when I was bullshitting and it pissed me off how easily I could fall right back into our old patterns, especially her elegant arrogance to call me out as though no time had passed at all.

"Look Harvey, I was hoping we could maybe meet and I don't know, discuss…maybe even catch up… truth is, I would really like to see you."

That was the first time in my life I had ever heard Jessica stumble on her words. She was nervous.

 _I'm leaving for Europe in a few days so…_

"Oh, well then how about the following week?"

 _You know, next week doesn't really work for me either._

"I see. Maybe Gretchen could find…"

 _Jessica, why don't you just tell me what you want to talk about and I'll see if I can find the time._

I couldn't let her in so easy.

It was always easy with Jessica, too easy.

And it was always where I would slope right off the hill.

"I want to try and fix how we left things Harvey. I feel like we should talk. I am reaching out to you to make amends because I..."

 _Let me stop you right there Jessica. If you're looking for a clever little way to_ charm your way into my life, don't bother. _Things will never go back to how they used to be. Too much has happened. We're not the same people._

There was a heavy silence on the line. I had dug my heels in, there was no sense in stopping now, so I continued, _I owe you nothing and you owe me nothing. I think it would be best if we just continued on our separate ways._

"I…uhhh…ok…I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Take care of yourself Harvey."

Jessica was first to hang up the call.

She beat me to it.

With every minute that I stirred in the aftermath the more irate, annoyed and disappointed I became. I got up from my desk and began to pace. I thought if I stared at the phone long enough she would call back and I could go a second round and give her a piece of my mind for barging back into my life with no warning, encroaching my new life with no apologies.

But then there was a part of me that wanted to just talk to her.

I could have sworn her voice was different.

She was different. Was she ok? Maybe she was trying again to tell me something important like she did that night on the rooftop and I wasn't letting her? What if she was sick or worse and she was trying to make amends?

My mind went though every extreme scenario and I started to feel the creep of an anxiety episode.

That was until Gretchen walked into my office and shook me out of my spinning thoughts when she was a little forceful with my door. Gretchen just stared at me as she leaned on the door handle; hand on her hip with that sardonic look that I came to rely on to keep it all in check.

Gretchen knew the whole goddamn saga between Jessica and me.

I told her everything, no detail spared- even the ring.

When I reconnected with Gretchen, almost a year from when I dissolved the firm, I wanted to be transparent with her for both of our sakes. I knew she had a lot of questions after Louis and I did what we did. I owed it to her, and since I was asking Gretchen back into my professional life, I wanted to make sure we established an inherent trust.

If Gretchen had a reason to care, she would have a reason to protect.

When I came back to New York, Gretchen helped me refocus and find a permanent position, my new start. Gretchen helped me both personally and professionally and I couldn't imagine a person I wanted more in my corner when I took the position at Towne. She saw me through some of my lowest moments and she was irreplaceable. Gretchen was always kind to me and knew how to reach me between the lines. I knew I could count on her candor and she always did have this protective streak in her. And I knew if I was re-entering the cutthroat world of Wall Street, I needed to have someone who was willing to run through the fire with me, especially considering I was still readjusting after the year before that scorched it all.

 _Not now Gretchen._

"Was that necessary Harvey? The woman was trying to reach out to you. I think it would be good for you to hear her out."

 _There is nothing she can say to help fix it. I fixed it! You fixed it! Dr. Agard fixed it! I don't need Jessica!_

"Take a breath."

I had agitated myself, a reaction not to surprising given the circumstances. It's like I told Dr. Agard, the minute Jessica would resurface, I knew I would go right back to that place.

"Good…breathe Harvey. Listen, Jessica doesn't know that. And you can't hold that sword over her head. You can't put all the responsibility on her when you didn't tell her your truth. She moved on, not having the full picture in front of her."

 _All I know today is that my life works better without her in it._

"Does it?"

 _Excuse me?_

"You heard me. You once told me that Jessica was the woman you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. You can't have it both ways Harvey. You can't play the victim and then turnaround and play the aggressor when it suits you. I know that night on the rooftop changed your life, and you've been looking for ways to move on from it ever since. But you never will unless you deal with it. And I don't think you have, not completely."

 _I've dealt with it for close to two years Gretchen. I scorched it all so I wouldn't have to._

"Isn't that what Jessica did when she resigned from the firm? Left with Jeff Malone? To find herself again after the mess with Mike? You can't keep blaming the woman when you did the exact same thing when you left New York for her."

 _Because of her! I couldn't be here anymore because of her. I couldn't pick myself up. I was helpless for the first time in my goddamn life. I lost myself. I gave her everything, and she left me a fucking mess!_

 _"_ It's been almost two years since that night. And I don't care what you say to me, you've been running for close to two years; running from Jessica, running from who you once were, running from the ghosts of your past. Aren't you tired, Harvey?"

I was cemented in Gretchen's words.

"You could have told Jessica the truth that night on the rooftop. You could have let her in the night she came to your door but you made the decision not to open the door. You could have taken her calls two years ago. Lord knows the woman tried. Instead you made a choice. You hid yourself from everyone and everything. You ran away, and that's okay. But own it! The time has come…deal with it. Close the book Harvey, however you want the story to end."

I was so winded at that moment I flopped in my chair and rubbed my beard in agitation.

Gretchen brought me a bottle of water from my mini bar and continued, "Don't make the same mistakes over and over again Harvey. Don't hold the grudge. It's what always gets you in trouble. If you learned anything from reconciling with your mother and brother, it hurts you more than the other person."

Gretchen placed a post-it note on my desk and then made her way back to the door, as she left me with one final thought, "Harvey, connecting with Jessica could be the first step in making peace with your past. You could open the door to reconnecting with Louis, Rachel, Mike and Donna. This lone wolf shit, it was mysterious and charming for a hot minute. You traded forgiving your real family for holding a grudge with your work family. It doesn't work that way. Pick up that phone and call her back!"

I looked down to see Jessica's new contact information.

 _No way. I'm done._

"Have it your way Harvey. Compose yourself, you're 9:30 has checked in at reception."

The longer I sat with it all through the day, the more pissed off I became.

 ***~*~*~*~*~LATER THAT EVENING*~*~*~*~***

 **Jessica Pearson**

I tried.

I really tried.

No one could ever accuse me to say that I didn't try with Harvey.

I tried for so long that it changed me somewhere down that long winding road.

Losing Harvey changed me.

After Chicago, after Jeff, I…came to a realization.

That's not true.

I had been lying to myself for so many years that it just became too damn easy to make the excuses for my feelings. Over the years I loved Harvey as a protégé, as a friend, as family, as my protector, as my enemy, and as a man.

It was a cruel existence how it all shook out.

I loved a man for twenty years, all the while telling myself little white lies everyday, so many in fact that I somehow convinced myself of my own denial as truth. I became so good at those little lies in every other part of my life, that denying the feelings for my protégé and my friend, just became part of the intricate weave of the persona of Jessica Pearson – always in control, always calculated, always strong in my will. My will became my undoing because the realist in me knew that loving Harvey, in my fullest capacity, could and would destroy me. And it did.

I left a good man back in Chicago. I left a life that could have, maybe one day, brought me peace. I left a life that I dreamed of for years in my moments of loneness and reflection, back in Chicago. But I was different woman back then, when I prayed for all of what came to fruition. I was ignorant to what was in front of me, who was in front of me. I was ignorant to what I needed, who I needed. I guess in my arrogance and prideful way, I dismissed all the small moments between Harvey and me as lustful forbidden musings. It couldn't be real, not with Harvey.

It was too complex, too messy, too tragic.

Turns out, that part I was right about.

And today, I tried.

I finally mustered the gall to face it all.

And he hated me, still after two years.

Before I dialled Harvey's number, the ten digits that would connect me again to his life, I had to scrape the surface and examine the unhealed wound before I took a scalpel to it to get to the root of the problems with him. I refused to believe that the last two years became a scar, healed and permanent, because truth be told, I wasn't yet healed.

And so, I went back to the building that I called home for close to thirty years on Madison Avenue, the white marbled lobby of the former Pearson Spector Litt.

I just needed a moment… a moment of quiet reflection.

I sat in the lobby, taking it all in- how life moves on, how life continues to evolve. Everything just becomes a version of what it once was. I just watched as it all moved past me at a rapid pace, unconsciously revolving around today's unknowns, and how power, money and ego could so easily disconnect the human experience and what was truly important in this life…love.

Sitting on that lobby bench, I realized that no one cared that I once occupied the top floor of the building, within the corner office controlling the most powerful players of Pharma, real-estate and Wall Street. I watched what I could assume were the new lawyers and financiers which now occupied my one time kingdom. The clicks of their heels and loafers as they glided the white marble tiles, random faces shuffling past, occupied with blank looks of anxiety and focus completely oblivious to the sweet smells of coffee, toasted bagels and hints of jasmine pumping through the lobby vents, managed to bring me right back to that fateful Sunday night.

I needed to see it all again before I was going to pick up the phone. I needed to see who I once was and quickly figure out how important it was to open the door to the past.

My life was good. It was me and Jacob and that suited me just fine.

But now being back in New York, there would also always be Harvey.

And so, I picked up my phone.

But Harvey, he wasn't there. The man on the other side of the line this morning, he was a stranger.

The wine, which I aerated in the silence of my home, reflected the flecks of fire burning across my sitting room in the antique fireplace, mesmerizing me with the sounds of snaps which filled the silent room. I had put Jacob to bed and reclined on my plush sofa reflecting on the day that was and my newly reclaimed life back in New York, trying to find comfort in the lies I told myself over the years.

All I could do was replay the conversation today with Harvey over and over in my head.

I couldn't help myself from thinking back to that perfect night on the rooftop between us, his hands, his lips, his warmth, his hold, his electricity lighting me up from the inside and surging through the space between us. That night was…everything. If that feeling was compounded into just a moment, I couldn't even wrap my head around of what a lifetime with Harvey would have been. I just couldn't help myself from indulging in all of our quiet moments over the years, which blared louder now in the silence of the aftermath.

I mean, for months while I was with another man I mourned Harvey who I discovered…much too late…always held my heart. I made the wrong choice that night because of fear, and now after months of reflection and rebuilding I realized how ashamed I was in my cowardice.

Nothing in my life was ever easy, so why did I think that love would be the exception? Everything I ever had took work, took dedication, took everything in me. I chose Jeff because he was the easier choice, the safer choice and I…I was tired of fighting. I relinquished to Jeff in hopes that for once in my life, someone would save me from the struggle and make my life easier…somehow lighter and maybe I don't know, safer.

But when I was faced with having to give up Harvey, truly letting him go…it destroyed me. It destroyed my chance at happiness with Jeff. It destroyed my shot at a peaceful existence. And I willfully indulged. When all the structure which I used as my defence mechanism over the years was gone, I was left with the cold frightening truth. And for that I actually mourned. Every devastating stage, I passed through them all and dragged Jeff along for the ride.

I destroyed it all-both in New York and Chicago- and consequently the men in my life.

But then along came Jacob. It was like my life had a clear purpose all over again. I had a surge of light rush through every dark crevasse within me, lighting the way to the road of recovery and rebuilding. I had asked the universe for mercy- for peace-and it came back to me in the form of unconditional-pure-love. It came in the form of a beautiful child. When Jacob chose me, my sorrow relieved. I began to move forward and have restored faith in the growth of my soul, of my person, of my future.

I had faith once again.

Life had a beautiful way of releasing and giving, but it was up to the receiver to listen to the quietness its purpose.

So here was almost two years later from when it all crumbled, back in New York, watching the light of the fire continue to burn into the morning, hopeful the universe would right what went wrong this morning…one day.

My phone shook me from my heavy thoughts.

I didn't recognize the number.

I expected it to be a client in trouble. Whenever calls came through that late in my new role, it usually meant bad news.

 _Jessica speaking._

"You had no business ambushing me at work today!"

 _Harvey?_

"What makes you think you can just stroll back into my life, with no warning and think I would be on the other side with arms wide open to welcome you? You've got balls I'll give you that Jessica."

 _Hang on Harvey! I am very interested to talking this out with you, and connecting with you again, but I am not interested in the tone of this conversation. You may want to consider trying again._

"Too bad! This is the best you can expect to get from me."

 _Then you're not the man I thought you were._

"Give me a goddamn break! You didn't think much of me to begin with if you could walkaway the way you did."

 _Feel better now, Harvey?_

"You trying to fire me up?"

 _No, I have no interest in being the bait in some bullshit you need to get out of your system before you go to bed. My intentions today were pure. I had no agenda except forging peace with you, and hopefully start to move forward._

"We're past that Jessica! There is nothing you can say to make it all go back to the way we were that night."

 _On the rooftop?_

"Yeah, the rooftop."

 _Tell me Harvey, why you hate me so much?_

Harvey had gone silent on the line. There was definitely more than he was letting on. I just had to try and crack him.

 _Hello…Harvey?_

"Do us both a favor Jessica, don't call me, don't contact me, we're done. I am in a different place and I don't need you to make amends or keep in touch, or whatever it is you thought calling me today would achieve other than to piss me off!"

 _What is it that you want from me Harvey? Because if you were really done, you wouldn't have bothered to pick up the phone and call me. So what is it? What do you want?_

"From you, nothing. Not anymore."

 _Good. Take care of yourself._

I hung up the phone and tossed it on the sofa in complete frustration, feeling an instant migraine in my fired up state. I knew that connecting with Harvey would be a difficult feat, but he was harbouring so much contempt and resentment toward me. It was beginning to feel like a hopeless case, enough so that I knew my best outcome may have been to just let it and him go, once and for all.

But I still held onto a part of Harvey; a part which was lost in the war of Mike Ross and our firm; a part that was recovered in Chicago; a part that was now connected to my son.

The ghost of Harvey was in my home.

Maybe it was the last step in moving on forever.

The next day, I let Harvey go.

*~*~*~*~*~*~ **THE NEXT EVENING** *~*~*~*~*~*

 **Harvey Specter**

"Hello?" Jessica's distinct voice came through my phone.

 _Hi._

"Harvey?"

She sounded shocked on the other side of the line to hear my voice after the call last night. "You must have received…?"

I still knew Jessica well enough with just a prompt, the question she was asking me.

I had come home from the office when my doorman had flagged me to tell me I had a delivery. I wasn't expecting anything, so imagine my surprise when he brought out an oversized square package, wrapped in brown craft paper with a small card strapped to it.

I unwrapped the package and was truly floored with what was staring back at me.

It was my mother's painting.

I reached for the card and through the sting of salt in my eyes, and the surprise weighing on my chest, I read the beautiful script that was all too familiar to me on the white little card... **With you, without you, I always had you- Love, Jessica**

 _…_ _Yeah, my mother's painting._

We'd both gone silent for a moment. I guess not much had changed. We could still both do passive communication and know what the other was thinking. We both were waiting for the other to say something, both apprehensive to make a move. So I started with something simple just to get her to talk to me after last night.

 _How did you…?_

"It's a long story Harvey."

 _I have time._

"I need you to know that I didn't keep the painting from you intentionally, Harvey. There's a reason why I had it for almost a year before I tried to find you again. When I found your mother's painting hanging in a gallery in Chicago, my world stopped. It's been hanging in my home ever since. I had you with me again, even though you were no where to be found."

 _Is that the real reason why you reached out yesterday?_

"Yes. That was my 'business proposition'. Lame, I know."

 _I'm such an asshole. I didn't even give you the chance to say your piece…thank you Jessica._

"You're welcome Harvey."

 _I'm sorry for yesterday._

"It's ok."

 _No, its not. I should have never spoken to you the way I did. I was out of line._

"I blindsided you, Harvey. It just all surfaced without warning. I've known you long enough to know where it came from."

 _I was angry._

"I know."

 _How are you, Jess? I didn't even ask you yesterday._

"I'm doing…well. I've settled back in the city just fine and I have to say, it's good to be back."

 _Lady of leisure?_

"Hardly. I'm keeping busy as the Managing Attorney at Legal Aid, downtown."

 _Get out! Legal aid, really?_

"I'm no longer the shark swimming in the open ocean of corporate litigation. I'm the life raft helping the man swimming in those open waters. I run the whole civil division, all the attorneys, paralegals, coordinators…"

 _So basically what you did at the firm just at a fraction of the pay check?_

"Yup!" That was the first word full of expression and jest that I heard in years from her. Her shallow chuckle filled the line. "Except I'm finally doing what I got into this profession for in the first place. I get to teach, I get to mentor, and I help clients who really need someone to fight for them and just pro-bono. I feel like I'm finally on the right side of the table for the first time in a long time Harvey. A lot less ego in the room that's for sure."

 _I'm sure that is until you get the opposing counsel in the room._

"Oh well then the bitch is back." There was that laugh again. God I missed her.

 _That's great Jess._

"It is."

Our conversation lulled into a void of silence until Jessica posed, "Where the hell did you go Harvey?"

 _It's a long story, Jessica._

 _"_ I have time."

 ** _To be continued…_**


	6. Chapter 6

**_[A/N: Hello everyone! Before we begin, I just have to say that your reviews, continued interest and kind words never cease to amaze me. Thank you for your time and commentary. So, here we go again, chapter 6! We are winding down and filling the blanks in of both Harvey and Jessica's journeys, but never without a small twist of fate. The lines of communication are now wide-open between Harvey and Jessica, and this time we get to hear it all from Harvey's side. When the truth comes out, what is he going to do with it all? Will he heal or will he move on once and for all? Will Jessica's revelations be enough to begin the patch the road ahead, or is this it? Disclaimer: I own nothing. All belongs to the rightful owners at USA network. I merely like to play in the sandbox. Enjoy!]_**

 **A Moment of Quiet Reflection**

 **Harvey Spector**

"Where the hell did you go Harvey?" came the pleading-desperate for answers-tone from the woman who held my heart, still.

 _It's a long story, Jessica._

I walked through the threshold of my bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed in anticipation of the weight of words that was about to spill between Jessica and me. I watched as my faithful four-legged buddy followed shortly through the threshold and sat down at my feet with a sensed show of moral support.

It brought a small smile of hope to my lips.

Loyalty, without words.

There was about to be a great deal of words, an assured flood of declarations, some of which I knew I was going to have to work through on the spot, and make the sensed right call in my followed responses. I knew this was about to drain me, the anticipation of a potential change of heart.

The orchestrated surprise gesture Jessica arranged in returning my mother's beloved painting back to me gave me pause. I paused because in that humbling moment I acknowledged the resentment I held onto like a lifeline; justification, which gave me a sense of purpose and drive- motivation, so to speak- to keep moving forward. But holding onto that _lifeline_ had metaphorically had my palms too bloody to continue the forced grip. It hurt more than maybe letting go.

It was time to let the wounds heal.

But the undisguised undercurrents of emotions between Jessica and me were about to pull us both down into their undertow. I had no idea if this was going to be just a tow of currents or a typhoon? Either way, I was bracing for impact.

God only knew the depths which were to be discovered.

So here I sat, emotionally injured-still-and bearing down for a force that was about to test my true resolve as a man.

Two years of silence…an improbable outcome that neither of us wanted to begin.

The silence on the other end of the line was palpable.

I could tell Jessica was just as apprehensive as I was. But she was always the stronger of the two of us. It wasn't until her soothing and steady response came through the line where I let out the breath I was holding in my lungs- trying to control the motions of uneasiness.

"I have time."

How do you put into words two years of your life, which now seemed to be a depressive blur?

The days and months merged into one constant memory, which just became an overwhelming feeling of destitute solitude. Now forced by Jessica to actually delve into the reality of my memories and specifics, all I could muster was just one vast void of what was left inside.

I wasn't sure if I was prepared to say it all out loud to the woman who I held solely responsible for it all for years.

My father once said to me that nothing hurt like a woman.

Turns out no holier words were ever spoken, especially when it came to Jessica.

I guess great heartbreak makes the man.

I decided to start from that Sunday night…the rooftop.

 _When you told me you were leaving, New York… to be with Jeff, I was…beside myself Jessica._

"Why?" Her voice was assertive, demanding nothing but truth in my answers.

But I could only go an inch at a time, because I didn't know how unlocking all of this again would play out.

I decided to give her the only answer evasive enough-but still direct enough-to satisfy her first inquiry…

 _You know why._

I took a deep breath and tried again. My tone was short, as though the passive answer would have been enough.

It wasn't. Not this time…I had to give Jessica as much context as I could without it all just coming out in three simple words.

 _Jessica, when you walked away…my whole world…just…stopped. I had a plan. You leaving the firm was enough to give me the courage to…_

I took a deep breath and I could feel it all start to stir within me.

"The courage to what, Harvey?"

My chest felt like to was going to explode at any second…the three words just on the tip of my tongue.

I instantly felt that recognizable tightness in my abdomen and the quick spread into my chest which became too familiar of a feeling over the years and it could only mean three things; one, I was about to have an anxiety attack facing it all again; two, I was about fall into a fit of rage at Jessica, just to cover up the real problem; or three, I was realizing that my heart was still just as broken as it was when Jessica walked away from me.

 _The night that you resigned, I thought I made myself perfectly clear of how I felt about you at the elevators. I've never been great at goodbyes, and I definitely was never great in communicating my feelings. I've always somehow been able to keep it all at bay with lovers, friends and even family…I just always somehow managed to swallow it and move on. But with you, I couldn't. I knew I needed to feel it, go with it. I watched you give into the moment…and to me… and for the first time in a long time, everything just unhinged within me. That night, that was me letting my guard down and showing you how deeply I felt about…all of it….about you._

I could hear Jessica's shallow breaths on the other side of the receiver.

I could have sworn I heard her grip tighten over her phone in my almost confession.

 _And you just took my breath away for the infinite time in a lifetime of our memories. If I just…_

"Harvey?"

 _You know, you always amazed me our quietest moments. And that night was no exception. I believed for a long time that you felt something…more…like I did, but we both knew the stakes in the game we found ourselves in. I realized, after playing that night over and over in my head that a feeling like that doesn't come around often in life. So when, what I felt like, the barriers of our obstacles finally burned to the ground- no more firm, no more legal jeopardy, no more threats from the outside world- I thought…this is it._

I could hear Jessica lightly sniffle on the other side of the phone.

 _Jessica, you have no idea the elation I had in my foolish hopes …when you agreed to that dinner on Sunday night...I actually believed there could finally be an us. I only made one crucial mistake that night._

"Nothing about that night was a mistake, Harvey. It was beau…"

 _…_ _I should have kissed you._

I interrupted her without apology, and Jessica went silent.

 _If I had, maybe you wouldn't have gone to see Jeff that night._

"Harvey…"

 _Tell me, I wasn't imagining it that night at the elevators, Jessica?_

"No, you didn't. It was there."

 _Then why did you go to see Jeff, after agreeing to have dinner with me?_

"I was scared."

I swallowed hard.

 _Of what? Me?_ I asked with fear unmasked, I didn't care. I needed to know.

"Jeff told me he was leaving New York just the week before. And for some reason I felt like my story with him wasn't exactly over…I mean, I never really fought for him after he walked away, because I was so consumed with keeping it all afloat and protecting him from being pulled in as a co-conspirator, that I just…sacrificed again…what I really wanted at that stage of my life."

The next part of what she had to say, I didn't expect.

"Jeff and I had a dinner date the week before. I'd be lying to you if I didn't admit that there was still something there between us. When the Mike Ross nightmare was finally over, and I was deep in the death row case, my whole perspective on life just shifted…I had lost my fight."

 _What do you mean?_

"My killer instinct attacked me from the inside out. The years of Gordon Schmitt Vandyke, Pearson Hardman, Pearson Darby, Pearson Spector Litt had finally transformed me into a monster that I could no longer control. I was making decisions and calls that were against everything that was hard-wired within my core. I fought it within me everyday…to tame the beast…justifying that it was for the greater good, to preserve my legacy, to preserve those I cared about, to protect against the enemy. And I was so tired Harvey. I couldn't recognize myself anymore. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror anymore and be okay with it all; the lies, the manipulation, the intimidation, the loneness, and the coldness that had to run through my veins just to make through a day in my life…my demons just took their toll on me. I felt like…I…"

Jessica's voice cracked as she forced the rest out "lost my humanity."

The memories of two years ago still seemed to be as fresh for her as they were for me.

The burn in my eyes from unreleased tears for her pain began to prick my eyes.

My heart felt a new break within its walls, knowing her fears and failures, which weren't tied to her ego. Jessica was baring her soul to me. It made me love her that much more if it was at all possible. This is what Dr. Agard meant two year ago, when she said to be prepared to see and hear things, because when its real its unconditional. It made me want to throw myself in Jessica's stead, that her pain would somehow transfer to me, so I could take it away from her.

But in typical Jessica fashion, she pulled it together quick.

"Saving Leonard Bailey…saved my life. So when it all unhinged with you at the elevators…I felt alive again, for the first time in a long time. Harvey, you were the one mirror in my life, and I was never afraid to look whenever you would hold up the metaphoric reflection. That night you showed me there was still something good within me. The way you looked at me. The way you held me. The way you stood with me till the end, it made me feel like my journey wasn't in vain. That if I did only one thing right in all of this…it was you."

That was the first tear I let fall that night, but it wouldn't be the last.

"If I'm going to be completely honest Harvey, it always seemed to unhinge within me whenever it came to you. You know…I realize that this may sound crazy out loud but, I felt like we were married at times. You had me and I had you…no questions asked. Even in our hardest and most questionable moments Harvey, we never put conditions on one another, we just accepted the other person for their faults, moved on and found a way out to make it out and another day. We evolved past our shortcomings, past our mistakes, and made it out the other side stronger and wiser. That's a marriage. Even when I was married, I never felt as secure in my days as I did…with you."

 _Jess, that doesn't sound crazy at all. I've never been married, but at times I felt like I could be, because of you. I feared it a little less, because of you._

I could hear Jessica's smile through the phone.

If only Jessica knew my true intentions.

We'd gone quiet on the line for a few seconds, both relishing in the warmness of the sentiment, until Jessica said through a heavy breath, "We had an amazing sense of one another Harvey, and we never had to speak about it. We grew into, what I thought was, an unbreakable partnership. You were my best friend, the closest person in my life. You were my partner in every way. You kept me going Harvey. But I needed something else…I needed more, something that I thought was there with Jeff."

 _You mean love?_

"Yes. I knew he still loved me. And I thought he wanted all of me, away from the scrutiny of my days as a Managing Partner, where I could just be…me. Jeff was my safe-bet. I knew with him, I could potentially find peace."

 _But you didn't see that potential with me?_

"Harvey…you and I never had peace in the twenty years we'd been in each other's lives. Something always dropped from the sky. Someone or something always railroaded us as individuals and as partners. And we would just rally for one another. That was just the nature of the beast of our relationship."

 _That's not true. We had some pretty great moments._

"Moments yes, but peace, no. We always just had…slivers but never enough for a lifetime. You always had something following you around, some kind of chaos dragging just at your ankles. If it wasn't your women, then it was your family, or Mike or drama with Louis or Donna…"

 _That's not fair Jessica._

"My intention is not to offend you, I'm just telling you my truth, Harvey. At the time, it was one of many reasons why I couldn't let myself indulge with you that night on the rooftop. You had too many unresolved issues, and I just couldn't…with you. I didn't have the strength, at the time."

 _Then tell me why you led me on that Sunday night?_

"I didn't, not purposely at least. At first, I just followed your lead at dinner…we flirted, no different than what we'd do from to time. We just played. I thought no harm, no fowl. But then something changed. When we came back to the firm, it just felt so good being with you. And just before the kiss, all the sirens in my head were going off and I had to halt it before we could ever go back. Before I could have so easily cheated on Jeff. I knew the moment you would kiss me, I wouldn't be able to control myself. And I could never do that to you…and to Jeff.

Everything Jessica revealed sounded so rational and reasoned. I believed every word.

"I'm still so very sorry for that night, Harvey."

"Don't apologize Jessica. I don't want that from you."

"Well too bad because I still feel like I need to make amends. For close to two years there wasn't a day that I didn't think about you Harvey. You were still very much a part of my life when I was in Chicago."

 _What do you mean?_

Jessica took a moment, a pause.

I was on edge where she was going with her last statement.

"That night on the rooftop was, in its simplicity, the most romantic night of my life. I recognized the power of that moment between us. It was undeniable then, and even now. But I forced myself to move on, partly because I made a bold decision to leave with Jeff, just a few nights before. My pride was on the line. And I ignorantly thought that I could push aside my feelings for you. I suppose, I chalked it all up to a heightened sense of sexual tension because of an anarchic year at the firm, like it was a fantasy of unreleased of years of pent up energy. I told myself that it was just another one of our dangerous games because all the jeopardy to us was gone and everything seemed…settled.

Jessica's revelation was like taking a bullet. But there was truth in her justification. We both weren't adverse to dangerous games.

"I told myself I wouldn't look back, especially when it was so easy for you to turn your back to me that night on the rooftop. Failure was no longer an option in my life. I was going to prove you wrong Harvey - my relationship with Jeff, my decision to move to Chicago, and my decision to leave the firm. You struck a nerve within me and I used what you said as motivation to move on. I was hell-bent to be happy, away from the drama, away from the person I used to be…away from New York…away from…"

 _Me?_

"Yes."

Jessica was never one to sugar coat the bitter pill that she was about to make you swallow.

I just absent-mindedly nodded my head, trying to process what came out of her mouth, recognizing the strong woman coming through the phone. This woman, I knew and I knew well. I had seen and heard her conviction many times before. The rationale strategist, even when it came to matters of the heart.

"But then, something happened. Two weeks later…I fell apart."

She sniffled and continued, "When you served me those dissolution papers Harvey… everything changed. I no longer had anything to prove to you, or to Jeff, or to the world. The firm was gone. You were gone. Jessica Pearson of the past, no longer existed. I was just a footnote in the filings of the law. That was when I began to unravel."

 _Unravel how?_

Jessica took a long pause, clearly in a painful state in her memories.

"I unknowingly took you with me to Chicago. I dragged you along in my relationship with Jeff and I couldn't shake you…no matter how hard I tried. I had chaos at my heels. I fell into a deep depression for months, Harvey. I fought every instinct in my body that felt natural to me. When you disappeared on me…I mourned you. I mourned the us that was, and the us that never came to be. I mourned our achievements. I mourned for the enemies who snaked it all when you and Louis closed the doors to the firm. I mourned the man who I was in a relationship with because I resented him for taking me away from my life. And as messy as it was, it was mine and mine alone. For months, I felt like a part of me died, like the last thirty years were meaningless. I had nothing left except a relationship and I forgot how to be me. Going to Chicago with Jeff was the proverbial slash of fate's cruelty. And believe me when I say, it all came pouring out of me in a rush of emotional turmoil. I was a mess. AlI that was left of me was the empty shell of the woman I used to be."

 _Jessica, I had no idea._

I was shocked.

To hear that Jessica was going through similar motions as me when it all fell apart, was wrenching. I felt solely responsible. I wished her that fate in my miserable and petty state everyday. All along, I thought she was living it up in Chicago in a state of bliss with another man, but my mourning's all encompassing perception and reality couldn't be further from the truth.

"Harvey, you are a living reminder of every failure in my life, every wrong decision I've made."

 _What the hell does that mean?_

If Jessica was trying to provoke me, she succeeded. Her comment threw me for a moment because of her confessional tone-straight and steady- as though it just poured out of her without a filter.

It felt like a jab to the gut.

"Let me clarify Harvey…that didn't come out right. What I'm saying is doors lead to trap doors with you. You and I did so many things right, but when we got it wrong, boy did we fuck it up!"

We both shared a huffed laugh in the truth of her words, and her…eloquence.

But when Jessica continued, I started to feel that familiar vulnerable creep which often found itself in my throat when I waited for Dr. Agard to lay me with a truth lashing.

"Harvey, we had the capability to destroy one another, sometimes passively and other times blatantly. If I knew apologizing to you for that night on the rooftop…for keeping my plans to leave from you for my own selfish reasons would hold any meaning to you, I swear, I would tell you that I am sorry a thousand times a day. There is not a day that passed that I didn't think about that night… or you."

I pleaded for months with whatever gods or energies were out there for the small mercy of an apology from Jessica when I was in my state of loss. But now hearing it, I realized that's not what I needed at all to heal.

 _Jessica, you don't need to tell me you're sorry. That's not I really want from you._

"What do you want Harvey?"

This was the moment; my chance to tell Jessica with my own words what I wanted. What I always wanted. I felt the courage in my conviction of the moment. I knew this was my moment, consequences be damned. If it meant that I would lose her again, I didn't matter because I finally would face my fears, head on. And that's what I did best; take things head on.

 _I want you to listen. And I want you to not say anything until I get this out because what I am about to tell you will change all of this again, of that I'm certain. Thing is, I don't know what that change will be. That depends on you._

"I'm listening."

 _For the longest time after you left, I tried to convince myself that maybe I dodged a bullet, when you left for Chicago. That maybe you leaving was for the better. That maybe I would be free of the burden…_

"Burden?"

 _Let me finish, Jessica. When I say burden I mean the weight of my feelings…for you. For so many years, my life revolved around you. First being accountable to you because of your generosity, you know Harvard and all…I know we agreed that there would be no speak of being indebted but we both know a part of me always was. Then it was my day-to-day that revolved around you, making sure that I had your back at every turn…that you were protected on all fronts. And then we became partners, true partners. We leveraged each other, needed each other, balanced each other and I thought if I just waited a little bit longer, you would see how good we could be, together. But when you walked away from me two years ago, Jessica…everything changed. I had to find out what my life looked like without you, a choice I never wanted to have to make._

No words came through the line, just a gentle breath or sigh, I couldn't be sure.

 _What I am saying is that I loved you, Jessica. I loved you as my savior, my mentor, my best friend. And I've loved you as a woman for many years. You were always…my person, the woman I've loved everyday for over twenty years. What I'm saying that I still I love you and…that I will always love you, until the day that I die._

The weight of my confession left me shallow in my breath and I could hear Jessica's open sobs. I couldn't stop myself. I never felt freer than in baring a part of my soul to the woman who occupied a place within it for years.

 _I am certain no man will ever love you like I do. It's debilitating to be without you. It never worked with anyone else because of you. I couldn't move on because of you... I still can't. All it took was one phone call and here we are. That's why I couldn't let you in back then. It's not that I didn't want to. If I knew there was even a chance you would come back to me, Jessica I would have opened that door. I would have answered your call…but I…just couldn't._

After a longer collection of her thoughts, Jessica's voice broke through strained, "Harvey…when I came back for you, after you dissolved the firm, I knew you were home, but you refused to let me in. Do you know what that was like? Knowing you were just on the other side of the door?"

 _I couldn't let you in. I wasn't in a good place. I couldn't face you Jessica, not in the state I was in. I had no fight left in me. And that night, you came for a fight._

"Where did you go, Harvey? You just went silent on me."

 _My silence was me planning, Jessica. My silence was me plotting, me defying, me trying to strengthen my will. It was me screaming at the top of my lungs in silence. I just had to just disappear. I was away from everyone and everything for close to a year before I decided to rejoin the world again, when I was ready, on my terms._

"You still didn't say where you went. I need to know."

 _Where I ended up was in a small town in Vermont. A good friend of mine gave me his property for as long as I needed, and I conditioned that I would do some renovations in return as a favor. It was good for me to destroy and repair things in my state at the time. I spent my time in a solemn cabin property, secluded in the woods, with just a lake, a boat, some tools and a pick-up truck as my only company. Actually, that's not completely true. I got a dog._

"You-got-a-dog?!"

 _Bigger picture here, Jess. Would you forget about Jordan for a second?_

 _"_ _Of course you named him Jordan!"_ Hearing Jessica jest and laugh was my first reminder of the way we were, the first trigger of normalcy in a long time. " _And you've always known I love dogs, so what did you expect telling me you have a dog?!"_

I let out a small laugh at Jessica's reaction and the dog's response to me saying his name; ears perked trying to understand if I gave him a command. I continued on, but by the time I got to the end, I was right back in the cesspool of my past voids.

Jess, _you said you needed to live for you, on your terms. Me disappearing was me preserving my sanity and my person. Even when all the obstacles began to clear for us you still didn't want me._

"Harvey you were my best friend. The closest person I had. I always wanted you. How could you think I didn't want you in my life?"

 _Didn't you hear what I just told you? I loved you! I wanted all of you…everyday… you and me against the world…not while you shared a life with another man! I was demolished Jessica! Watching you in a relationship with Jeff was enough for me the first time around. This time, emotionally, mentally… I was done! I couldn't be tied to you in any way anymore! That's why I dissolved the firm and why Louis helped put me out of my misery._

I felt bad raising my voice, it was uninhibited residual frustration of the days past.

"And that's when you left?"

 _Yes. After you came to my door that first night, I called in the favor and…disappeared._

"You know that I came back for you? Several times in fact."

 _I know._

"Yeah, twice after that night but you were already gone...the third time I actually had your doorman let me in because I refused to believe you wouldn't see me. I waited for hours but you were already gone."

 _I know._

"When I saw that your apartment was just as you left it…the Pearson Spector boxes…all your belongings scattered just as you left them... I broke down. I realized that you were really gone. I had no I idea that I could cry like that…the insurmountable, stabbing, physical manifestation of pain. It was wrenching...Harvey, I was desperate to find you. I…missed you, terribly."

We had both gone silent again.

For me, my silence came from processing the thought of how much Jessica must have truly cared back then. I had convinced myself over the years that she never gave a shit about me. That she never looked back after destroying me. That she was a selfish man-eater who, like in business, took the road of expediency and convenience. I painted her in the ugliest colours over the years, a cold, calculated surgeon of the heart and soul.

And nothing could be farther from the truth.

Turns out- she did come back to me. Not once, but many times…and under the circumstances of what I had wished for, in her own volition.

Jessica came back to me.

But I wasn't there.

I was gone.

When she sniffled, she broke me from my sobering thoughts.

I couldn't take the spilling of the truths any longer.

I poured myself a drink because it was becoming all too much.

As I took my first swig of scotch, the burn helped preserve my strangely calm state, but it didn't do much for my frustration of missed opportunities and unnecessary painful confessions.

My guard was completely down; hell, I already told her that I loved her. There was no longer room for pretense. And Jessica, she was the most open I had ever experienced. The woman behind the great mysterious mask of self-perseverance and control, was nowhere in close proximity to this conversation.

Jessica's soothing voice poured through the line once again, finishing her last thought, which she clearly struggled with. "The final time I came to your door was after Louis' son was born. Turns out by that time, there was already a new family living in your old apartment. You sold it and I had to get answers from complete strangers. But I just had to try…just one more time, especially when Louis had told me…"

 _Told you what exactly?_

"He told me everything, Harvey..."

Holy shit! Jessica knew I was going to propose and I started to pace. The scotch was definitely not doing its job any longer.

I was beyond agitated. How was I going to explain this without completely losing it?

"He told me he saw you that Sunday night in your office, after I'd left…"

 _You've got to be kidding me! I bet he even flapped his gums and told you what the ring looked like too!_

"Ring? What ring?"

Fuck!

I closed my eyes in complete disbelief of what I had just done in my state of panic. I had just betrayed my own self-control.

Complete.

Utter.

Silence.

It was like an auditory standoff.

Neither of us in our states of shock knew what to say, floored by the revelations I so flippantly revealed, clearly neither of us was ready to hear.

I guess my opinions of Louis really did always get the best of me. Turns out, I was wrong again. Louis never betrayed my confession. Well, at least there was that.

"What _ring_ Harvey?!" Jessica forcefully inquired, her voice strong.

Silence.

I couldn't get the words out… how was I supposed to explain…

"Mommy, why are you shouting?"

 _Mommy?!_ I asked out loud, truly perplexed about the voice of an apparent child on Jessica's side of the line.

"Uh…I have to go, Harvey."

And just like that, my mobile screen had returned to the menu screen and Jessica was gone, leaving me even more perplexed perhaps than when we had started earlier that evening in our states of uncertainty.

I just stared at my phone for several seconds.

Mystified…I think that is the best word I could describe my state.

Love.

Rings.

Mommy.

Being prepared for the weight of the many words revealed between Jessica and me that night, two years in the making, was nothing compared to the force of the one word, which ended our exchange.

Mommy?

Jessica was a mother.

I braced for the impact of a change of heart, delving into the dense unresolved emotional waters, which Jessica and I treaded through for years. The storm seemed to have subsided and the waters had finally calmed between Jessica and me.

But I definitely did not prepare for the force and weight of that last revelation. That one hit me at Gail force winds and I just needed a moment.

 **TO BE CONTINUED**


End file.
